Poke my eyes out.....PLEASE!

Today, for the first time, Jacob and Warren went swimming at the Chateau swimming pool. They dressed in their usual swimming trunks, you know the trunks that go down to just above the knees and off we went to see the pool in action. Tammy stayed in the room to continue reading (which turned out to be the smart move) while I decided to watch the kids while they went swimming. We had to sign in to use the pool and were given a key for a locker in the men’s locker room in case they needed to change. Since they came prepared, I kept the keys in my pocket and picked up a couple of towels to wipe dry after the swim. We walked in through the door into the pool area and I found a seat to watch the kids (no lifeguard on duty here).

So I began to look around at the other people in using the pool. BIG MISTAKE!!!! It seems that the local swimming attire must be tight and small, I don’t know if this is a government regulation but if it is, they were all following the rules. Bright green speedo over there, black speedo over there and good-gosh man…they’re all wearing freakin’ speedos!! The Chinese seem to have a similar build to mine (so their all pretty darned sexy men….just kidding) but they have no chest hair to be seen, no arm hair, no leg hair, and it’s not because they shave it off. So, I’m looking around at a group of men, mostly older, wearing speedos. I don’t wear speedos because I feel an obligation to everyone around me…they don’t need to see that. Here, no shame….none! One guy was wearing something from Frederick’s of Hangzhou because his speedos were shear and when wet……ugh, do you want me to draw you a picture!?! C’mon people, you’re in a very large country, be kind to your fellow citizens…put on some swim trunks, please. Real ones, ones that cover up and not reveal…let’s keep some mystery in this relationship.

Another odd thing, these guys wore swim caps, swim caps!!!! With the caps came the obligatory swim goggles. It looked like some kind of goofy, synchronized swim competition. I mean, if you are just swimming, why cover your hair? I don’t know if they felt like the next Michael Phelps or what but man it was just plain weird. They would swim one lap using their best technique (like some kind of twisted mating ritual in front of the women) and then just hang out for awhile and then, another swim to the other end of the pool. WOW!! This guy just missed the Olympic team (for speedo wearing wackos!), he’s just that good…look at that form! One older man, wearing a less revealing pair of like boxer swim trunks (about 3 sizes too small) added another piece to the swimming collection…..hand flippers. He wore these things that looked like sandals on his hands to give him the extra “burst” while he was casually swimming up and down the pool. He moved through the water like he was a fish (an old, out of shape fish that wore tight swim trunks, a swim cap, goggles and some flipper thingies on his hands). Just goofy, c’mon gramps swim without the handle sandals will ya!

Then there’s the kids (no not my kids, at least not this time). The kids all had on the same goofy attire as the parents. The girls wore tight hair caps just like the boys so they wouldn’t get their hair wet (really?). These poor kids, having to look at the adults…this is one time where too much chlorine in the pool might be useful (my eyes are burning!). One small child was placed in a full, blow-up life vest (with of course the swimming cap and goggles) that went from his knees to his neck. He was carried up and down the pool by his father or grandfather. No attempt to kick or swim, heck he was so far out of the water with that darned vest on that he barely got wet. Jacob was laughing so hard every time he was carried by us. Come on folks! Put him in the water for cryin’ out loud.

So many thoughts going through my head as I watched the surreal Olympics going on before my eyes. One older lady doing her best swim technique that perfectly imitated a seizure in the water, I didn’t know if she was trying to drown or what. Hey lady….it’s only 5 freakin’ feet deep, put your feet down. Hey, please don’t walk in front of me wearing that. Man!!! Is it really necessary to bend down and check the water….move on you speedo-wearing freak! Now to be fair, the women wore the standard bathing suits with nothing revealing (Thank God) but the men….good gravy!

Then as I’m watching, I think back to the morning visit to Auchan (I know, Auchan…ugh!). As I’m trying to find Tammy and the boys I walk by the mom holding her daughter in “the position” so the girl can pee on the floor. Sorry, it’s not a type-o, she was peeing on the floor, on purpose, and her mom was “helping”. I’ll post further on this later but I don’t want to digress from my pool story (yet). So, I look at the kids and wonder to myself “would they feel it’s okay to pee in the pool?” Well DUH! If they have no problem peeing in the middle of a grocery store, on the sidewalk, and pretty much anywhere else that the urge strikes, then why would the pool be any different. Perhaps that’s the reason for the goggles and swim cap but I still don’t understand the speedos. Some of the mysteries of China will have to remain unsolved.