The Dating Game

In order to keep in touch while we were away on our Chinese odyssey, we used Skype to communicate with friends and family in the US. In China, they have their own Skype type program (of course, they copy everything don’t they?) that they use to communicate with their friends and family, it’s called QQ. It took me awhile to figure out that when they would say “qq” that it was simply two “q’s” (it couldn’t be that simple could it!?!). I would ask them to repeat it and I would be thinking to myself, “How would you spell that?” but then they wrote it down for me (stupid foreigner!) and I could see that it was indeed much simpler than I thought. When I first looked up QQ, I found that it was all in Chinese (duh!) so there would be little use for me to get it but I continued to research and found that there is a QQ International version. So, before I left China, I got myself setup with a QQ Account (you get a 10-digit number for an account name, ask me today and there’s no way I can tell you what my ID number is…maybe the folks from “anonymous” can help me out?). I checked it out and everything worked out without too much fuss. The people at work thought it was funny when they got a QQ message from me testing the system on my computer. Now QQ will not only work for chatting, it also is an e-mail service, it has a game center, personals, and much more (under the watchful eye of the “protectors”, like loving parents to ensure that you are not taken in by those bad influences). Another interesting thing about QQ; in the profile section you can include information like Date of Birth, Gender, Zodiac Sign and Horoscope Sign (Chinese Zodiac) and of course, the ever crucial Blood Type. Yes folks, that’s blood type! Now I don’t know exactly what they would want this information for but if you want to, you can tell everyone that you are O Positive (perhaps the Twilight/Vampire fans understand this?). There is also a second page where you can include more details about yourself (occupation, phone number, # of BMs per day, and so on) if you want to fill in that information. I guess it could be considered a way to encourage people to contact (or not contact) you.

Since I have left China, I have been in communication with my friends still in China through QQ. Every week, I’ll hear from them and find out what they are doing and so forth. It’s pretty interesting to know how things are going for them and just to keep in contact. Without the aid of QQ, I don’t know that I would ever hear from them (or them from me, after all writing a letter is so 70’s). Since QQ is also a mobile app, most have it on their phones and check it regularly (not so in the US, I think there is a QQ App for the iPhone but not for other systems yet). Just like Skype, you can do a video chat using QQ but I know the first time I tried it; there was no sound (3 minute delay while we “improve” the signal). Anyhow, it has turned out to be a nice thing to have in order to keep in touch (just like Skype).

For those with Skype, you know that every once in a while; you’ll get someone who is trolling for contacts. So-and-so wants to add you to his contact list. You’ll look at it and say “Sweetcheeks32, now who is that?” and typically block them and move on (unless you know who the person is on the other end). Sometimes the message, name or profile will try to be alluring in order to gain your attention but it’s not really all that tempting (after all, do you really think she looks like the picture?). This same thing happens with the blog, “people” will post strange comments to try and lure you in (for nefarious purposes) but we delete those comments and move on. Well, I am finding the same is true for QQ. Since I’ve been back in the US, I get 2-3 contact requests every other day (obviously good things are being said about me, I mean if I wasn’t me; I would want to get to know me too.). The funny thing is that every once in a while, there will be something written like you see in the attached image under the Description section.

Helen is looking for a good husband and good daddy for her son (could you please define “good” for me?). What that means could be anyone’s guess but I would assume that Helen is looking for a Sugar Daddy since she has asked for a contact outside of China (if you want to search contacts in QQ, you can do it by Country, State and City and get a complete list of everyone that meets the criteria. You can’t search by name, rather by QQ ID, that 10-digit number I mentioned earlier). She is willing to do whatever it takes to improve her situation, or so it would appear. Our experience in China indicates that some Chinese women will be with much, much older men and so we know how it works (perhaps I am a cynic…just maybe, but I don’t think that this is a May-December romance, it’s a May-December convenience where she spends her time coming up with new, inventive ways of switching his Viagra pills with Ambien and waiting for him to die and leave her all of his money. Picture an I Love Lucy skit played by a Chinese Lucy. “You got some ‘splaining to do” ). We’ve seen these older men with their young wives out at dinner with their child (allegedly) and her parents. The parents are happy to have the grandchild but couldn’t care less about this old fart except when the bill comes along. [Editor’s note, this was something we heard more than once is that when you take a Chinese wife, very often you will also be taking on her parents as well. They may not show up on the honeymoon but the Chinese Frank and Marie Baron are coming to live with you!]. Anyhow, Helen could be a very nice lady who is in a bad situation but think about it…would you actually write this so it can be seen by anyone and everyone? Again, it’s the difference in cultures. The Chinese tend to be a little more blunt or perhaps it could be said that they don’t see the need to filter what they say in many settings. Now it could also be due to the language thing where they use a word that is technically correct but is deemed to be too “harsh” in English. So, they may not even realize that the words or phrases could be seen as insulting (if they say you are fat, guess what….you probably are fat, at least by their standards) or at least very odd to a Westerner. (As an example, a waitress at one place we went to would use a phrase that we were definitely not used to hearing. She would bring the drinks and we would say “Thank you”. Her response “It’s my honor.” Now it was nice to hear but a very strange use of the phrase.)

Now just because I know that you are enthralled by my writing (or you are bored and have nothing better to do), I’ll take this a step further because it seems very strange to me to see a Chinese woman basically throwing out a line for a husband. The female-to-male ratio in China strongly favors the women (and hence it would stand to reason that it should be relatively easy to find a new companion for this woman). I should take a moment to explain that in China a male child, although desired to carry on the family name, is a significant financial burden on the family (I think this is true in all cultures, no such thing as a free kid). Many times I have heard it said that having a daughter means that you can have a better life. Why? It’s because of the traditional expectations for the family of the male child. The family must provide the male child with a place to live after he leaves the house, a car, an education, pay for his wedding and on and on the list goes. In other words, the family of the boy is expected to provide for him whatever the cost. The expectation is that later in life that they will be able to live with him (and his family) when they can no longer take care of themselves (or that is what they hope). The same monetary dynamic is not true for the family with a female child. Since the family of a female child does not have to save cash throughout her life, they can afford to do more things and buy more things. We’ve all heard the stories of the things that are done to ensure a male child in China (stuff that I will not repeat here) but with the number of females in the country, it would appear that attitudes are changing towards having a daughter. This also has major repercussions on dating in the country. The men are in constant competition to find a woman. We watched a show while in China on the dating scene in Shanghai for men and it was not a pretty picture. Not only did men have to compete with other Chinese men for a woman’s attention (and by competing, it was not always about the look, in many cases it was about the size of their…..wallet [what did you think I was going to say pervert]) but they were also in competition with any foreigners living in China. [Editor’s note: This is very similar around Asia; older Western males would go to these countries looking for a younger woman to take as their wife (or nursemaid). It got to the point where the Cambodian government had to issue a law that prevented foreigners over the age of 50 from being married to Cambodian women. There is also a second part to this law that requires the foreigner to have a monthly income of over $2,500 in order to marry a local woman (can you say pre-nup?) I wonder what the local women would get in a divorce settlement…but I digress.] So, problem #1 is the competition. I guess it would be like going to a high school where there were 50 girls and 85 guys and finding a date to the prom. The girls may first want to know who is renting a limo, the size of the limo, where they are going to eat, etc. before making the final decision on whose invitation they would accept. So the “best” guys are taken quickly and the women either choose to accept the 2nd and 3rd tier guys or they don’t go. Either way for the guys, many are going to be left out no matter what they have to offer.

If the guys were really serious about finding someone, they would go on a dating show (I don’t remember the name of it but each Province had their own version of this show). The dating shows on TV would have women judge the man as he was whisked along in front of the audience on a moving sidewalk and given the third degree by the ladies on the panel. It didn’t take much time for these ladies (imagine a panel of American Idol judges but they are a Chinese female version of Simon Cowell with PMS) to be picking the bones from the carcass as the man was given the thumbs down and off he went into oblivion (and typically it came down to the prospects for the man. What did he do for work? How much did he earn? Did he own an apartment? Did he have a car? Did he have a future? The show is called “If you are the one”. One Beijing woman (Ma Nuo) became famous in China for the phrase “I would rather be crying inside a BMW than laughing on your bicycle”. Some hated this woman because she was nothing but a greedy bi-atch but her remarks seemed to reflect the thoughts of many women in these larger cities in China). Combine this with a “one child policy” where each daughter is treated like a princess and you are in for a generation of women with high expectations that no man can meet (except “the Donald”). Not all Chinese women are like this but in the big cities where the money is, that’s where the problem is especially big for the men.

So how did I get here from QQ, I guess for me it’s easy to draw a line between what I see on QQ and what I saw when I was in China. In the US, we call people with 1 car, and only 1 big screen TV below the poverty level but in China (and other Asian countries), when they say “poor”, they mean P-O-O-R. Some will do just about anything to escape the poverty or to try and make their children’s lives better than their own. This is why there is such a competition for schools, jobs, husbands, etc. Helen is just following a path blazed for her by others; find someone who can meet your financial needs and roll the dice.