Chinese Girlfriend

Just to be clear, I don’t have one (I have many…HA!). However, it seems that perhaps I am in the minority for many of the foreigners in China. One of the first questions I was asked by some of the first local workers hired at the company was “Do you have a Chinese girlfriend?” Although it was an odd question at the time, I’m beginning to see more and more why this question would be asked. Even today, my colleagues will ask if I have a Chinese girlfriend. Then they go on to say that it perfectly acceptable here to have one. But I’m married. It’s okay; men can have more than one woman. But my wife is here in Suzhou. Oh, what a pity. (Seriously, the response was “What a pity”, now that’s funny.). Really, a pity!?! I have a hard enough time dealing with one woman, add in a second woman and I’m in trouble. They laugh and continue to say that it’s okay if I have one. It’s okay for them but I try to convince them that it’s not okay for me.

Despite how strange it seems to me, I know Chinese that have a wife and kid plus a girlfriend. It seems to be a status thing, I can afford to have two women (I know, how can anyone afford to have two women…obviously not a Western woman). It’s not hidden from their co-workers, it’s out in the open. You see him at the bar and ask “is that his wife?” The whispered response is “No”. Okay then, I want to ask if his wife knows and accepts this or if she is unaware of his wandering (but I don’t). This is definitely a culture thing so perhaps she knows and expects it but she makes the decision to stay with him due to the comfortable lifestyle he gives to her and their child. I don’t know what the divorce rate is in China (if it’s known) but I would think that this still has to be a sore spot that perhaps isn’t dealt with head-on. It may go back to “face” again. Confrontation seems to be avoided, even when it is necessary to resolve issues. I still don’t win awards with my cultural sensitivity when they make a statement that is completely wrong and I tell them “we will not do it that way”, “that will not work”, etc. [Note that I say will not rather than won’t, words like don’t, can’t, shouldn’t, etc. are often misunderstood. Here if you say can’t; they don’t hear “can not”, they hear “can”. I’ve learned to avoid these or repeat statements if I use them to be sure I am understood.]

The Westerners aren’t immune to this cultural acceptance. The Europeans are more liberal in their views (for the most part) and so they will “embrace” the local culture. Sometimes it is very creepy, especially when you see old men (I’m talking full gray, beer belly, men in their 60’s or even older) with younger Chinese women. Some of these women may be “rented” short term and some may be more of a lease/purchase plan. We went to a restaurant several months back and sat at a table next to an old guy (probably 65 or older, if not he was definitely rode hard and put up wet…try explaining that expression to the Chinese). He was intently watching a Rugby match on the tv. A younger Chinese lady walks in and sits at the same table with him. He barely acknowledges her except to say that he already ate while he waited. She orders her dinner and studies her books while she eats. Sitting and watching this was really disturbing with all the questions surrounding how/why these two were together. She tries to engage him in conversation but gets nowhere and eventually just sits there waiting for him to leave after his match is over (and he has paid for her meal). So she sits quietly and studies her books. They leave just before we do. When we leave a hop into a taxi, we see the “Honeymooners” again walking down the street. She is about 5 meters in front of the guy walking, so again you wonder what kind of relationship this was and you feel badly for the woman. The people living out in the countryside don’t have a lot and I can only imagine that when some of these young women get to the cities with the foreigners, they find themselves a virtual gold mine when they realize that some foreigners might need a partner. They may sacrifice many things but they gain a more comfortable living by being with the foreigner and so they make the choice of how they want to live. Perhaps they both get what they want, she wants a better life and he wants an excuse to use his prescription of the little blue pills (if he can remember where he put them).

Now I know that this isn’t the case with all of the relationships between foreigners and the locals, some may actually be true relationships. However, seeing so many Chinese with the foreigners and watching how they interact….it really colors your opinion. I can’t tell you how many times a group of men have been together eating lunch with one Chinese girl at the table. She looks bored out of her mind and is treated as another piece of furniture by the guys. There is no attempt to interact with her, it’s like she isn’t there at all. Sometimes it’s just the two of them and they are sitting and drinking beer. You watch her closely and all the cues tell you she’d rather be someplace else. Then when you see her lift the beer glass and pretend to drink (you know, the liquid moves to her mouth but she doesn’t actually allow open her mouth to drink while her eyes are look around), you understand. I see more of this and the “rented” relationships that any of the other relationships. I don’t know how you really know, I guess it’s a gut feel based on what I see.

How does Tammy feel when I tell her it’s a pity that she is here to prevent me from having a Chinese girlfriend? She is surprisingly supportive of the idea. To paraphrase, it’s no problem but I don’t think she’ll be around long after she realizes that your wife now has all the money and the apartment. Can you believe that?!? She acts like they would only be interested in me for my money and not my quick wit, boyish charm and rugged good looks (and all of my other good characteristics…feel free to add to the list. Seriously, you got anything else because I’m tapped out). The truth hurts.