The Wedding Singer

I have mentioned before about walking along the lake and seeing the wedding parties and all of the photos being taken of the bride and groom. It’s an odd sight and because the photos are taken with what we (Westerners) would call typical wedding attire, they don’t draw too much interest from us except just to people watch. Watch how the bride and groom walk separately from area to area to get the photos taken. She is usually with her family and he is with his friends, you would expect a little more intimacy between the two but you just don’t see it. Anyhow, one of the kids at work was getting married and I asked him questions about the wedding and I found out some very interesting things regarding the weddings in China. What I see in Suzhou is not a traditional wedding. Ocean (that is his English name) happened to have videos of his brother’s wedding that he shared with me and that opened my eyes a little to what the traditional Chinese wedding is like.

First, they don’t wear white! For the Western weddings; white is a symbol of purity (even if it is the 2nd wedding, 3rd wedding, etc.). In China, white is worn for funerals (hmmm, wedding = death…..fill in your own comical observation here) and it is worn for those that want to embrace the Westerner style wedding, which is becoming more common especially in the bigger cities with larger Western populations. The Chinese wedding dress is red. The gown, the veil, the whole thing is a deep red color. At first glance you say “WOW! That is one red dress!” but after you get used to it, it is actually not much different than a white wedding dress. It has a similar style to it (at least to my untrained, non-metrosexual male eye) but just using red rather than white cloth.

Second, you don’t see the groom in a tuxedo. The groom was in a suit that may have been passed down and that he clearly was not comfortable wearing. The knot on the tie was a little off and not so tight and the suit wasn’t buttoned. I don’t want this to sound judgmental, it’s an observation. The suit wasn’t tailored to fit and it was probably purchased off the rack. This would be no different than a suit that someone back home might wear to church (or a funeral…there I go again).

Third, the only two people dressed up were the bride and groom. Everyone else was wearing something clean but they weren’t all decked out for the wedding. You could not see any hint of groomsman or bridesmaids; it was the bride, the groom and everyone else. This is where it started to become clear to me how different we are. This wedding was out in the country and so there was no “big city” influences. These people worn nice clothes or what they had in the closet and no one was there to judge them on the fact that they showed up with jeans and a t-shirt. It wasn’t the clothes that they wore; it was the fact that they were there that made the difference. So much different from the US where the wedding has become less about the union between two people and more about the gowns, the tuxedos, the flowers, the catering, the location, the honeymoon spot, the guest registry, the gifts and on and on (if you didn’t know Tammy and I got married in Gatlinburg, TN, just the two of us. We thought it was the right decision for us but everyone has their own path to follow. We’ve been married for 16 years, so it’s really not all about the peripheral junk; it’s about the commitment you make to each other, for better or for worse. I’m not judging those who follow the “traditional route”, I’m just saying that for us, we made the right decision).

Fourth, the bride was removed from her house sitting in a chair with a hood over her head. I believe this was to signify the stealing of the daughter from her parents to start her new life. Once out of the house, her feet were not to touch the ground until they reached their new home. The people carrying her were family members I assume. All of the women in the family traveled in the same caravan (not a Dodge Caravan, the same group of cars) as the bride. Watching the video it was funny to see all of the people pile out of the small van that was behind the car with the bride. It was almost like a clown car at the circus, people just kept coming out.

Fifth, all of the groom’s belongings were packed up from his home and taken to his new home by the family. You see uncles, cousins, brothers (the one child policy was not for the entire nation, it was for those that lived in the big cities. Most of those in the country have multiple brothers and sisters). They load up the meager (by Western standards) possessions on trucks and haul them out to the new home.

Six, the entire family drives out to the new home of the couple to be married. The groom goes out with his stuff and the bride arrives later. When she arrives, the groom must pick her up out of the car (she doesn’t move to help him, she just sits there so he’s got to have a strong back or she had better be a small woman). He has to carry her while running around the car three times while being chased by a family member. I don’t remember why but this is what the video showed. Once he has made the laps around the car, he then carries her into the yard of their new home and puts her down. Watching the video, she didn’t smile or seem happy the entire time but perhaps it was nerves, he didn’t look too giddy either. Neither looked particularly comfortable but perhaps I don’t know body language that well.

Then I think the ceremony takes place although I can’t really tell. The audio is in Chinese (well duh!!!) so I don’t know what is being done or said through much of the remainder of the video but it is extremely interesting to watch. Other observations;
Each family member of the couple comes down and takes a seat in front of the couple. Again, the furniture here is just some old kitchen chairs but it’s obviously not about the show. As they sit down, they hand an envelope to a person near the chairs who makes a note and tucks the envelope away. This is money for the couple. The couple is standing there facing the chairs. As the family members sit down, the couple must kneel and bow three times. This is a sign of respect not only for the family member but for their ancestors as well. I don’t know how many people they had to bow to but I’m telling you it was a lot! Standing, kneeling, bowing, standing, kneeling, bowing, over and over again (it was like a Catholic mass x 100). Each time, sit, envelope, kneel, then on to the next one. This was a little surprising to me but I was glad that this was explained to me by Ocean. I could see the kneeling but understanding the reason behind it made it more interesting to me.

The next thing comes the celebration, which means the drinking (and I mean drinking). Now this is where perhaps it is more like a Western wedding. Where people sit at the tables is very important here, to be facing a certain direction is considered to be very bad so everything had to be thought out as to who sat at what table and which direction they faced. While they ate, the groom came around and served drinks to everyone. He had a bottle and a small cup (probably about 6-8 ounces could be held in the cup). He would serve the drink to a guest; they would down it (chug, chug, chug). He would refill the glass, they would down it (chug, chug, chug), he would refill it again although they would protest a little, they would down it. Now from this point, he could refill it again with some serious protesting from the guest who would down the drink again. After their long protest, he would serve them no more and move on to the next person. Sometimes it was wine, sometimes it was maltai (Chinese moonshine) but the maltai was served in a double shot glass. It was always at least 3 refills and sometimes it was much more than that. Usually the women had the wine and the men had the maltai, although I saw some men who had both. The Chinese aren’t really known for their ability to handle liquor but they seemed to do okay. What was most interesting here was that in some of the video we could see a grandfather clock in the background. The first drinks started to flow around 11:00am (that’s right, 11 in the morning). The next time we saw the clock with the drinks being served was 2:00, then 4:00, it was one large drinking party (a frat party that started in the early afternoon). The bride would also serve drinks but also she had another role. She would provide cigarettes to the men and then light their smoke. Why? I have no idea at all; it was just what it was. Even if the men didn’t smoke (and in China it seems that almost all men smoke for whatever reason), they would accept the cigarette. Cigarettes and booze at the wedding, it’s a pretty different concept.

Who was at the wedding? Family, friends, and of course big brother. Ocean was pointing out people and of note he pointed out the mayor of the town and the local party official. Of course, they had the distinguished seats. It was one of those things where they may not come but you should invite them (just because). He also pointed out that any local government officials, mayors, governors, etc. need to speak the local dialect and Mandarin. This is so they can communicate with the local people and be able to communicate with the government at the provincial and state level. If they cannot speak Mandarin, then they cannot be a government official. This actually makes some sense.

There was music at the wedding. At first it was a brass band that walked alongside the cars when they arrived near the home. It sounded like a funeral dirge (rim-shot) but I’m sure it was something traditional. They played for maybe 1 hour or so as far as I could tell. Then when the drinking and eating started, the “band” played. This was pretty comical. It was a girl on an electric keyboard set and two singers a man and a woman. It sounded so much like karaoke that it was funny. I thought at first that it what it was but then I saw the girl actually playing the keyboards (and she had the most bored, disinterested look I’ve ever seen from a “musician”, perhaps she was like the bridesmaid that could not find a man and this would constantly remind her of that). The best part was that the male singer wore a “wife beater” t-shirt, you know the one with no sleeves. Seriously, he wore a sleeveless t-shirt and performed at the wedding. Nothing could sum up the difference between the Western wedding and the Chinese wedding more than that. It really drove home the point that it wasn’t about the “sutff”, it was about the wedding. Is it about having the 500 guests and booking the prestigious location for the reception? Does having that mean that you love each other more than someone that goes to the Justice of the Peace? Will your wedding last longer if you get the $500 wedding cake as opposed to the $200 wedding cake? Again, these are my questions and perhaps I use them to justify my own cheap-ass wedding. I’m willing to admit that I’m a tightwad but I also know that for me, dealing with all of the “stuff” for a wedding just wasn’t my thing. I’m not judging those that have big weddings, everyone has their own road to travel. There is a wedding in my family that is now being planned for next summer (hopefully after reading this my invitation will not mysteriously be lost in the mail). I guess my advice would be to remember why you are getting married in the first place. Where you do it, how you do it is up to you but it should be about you and not about all of the other stuff.