NEWSFLASH!!!

Today we’ll be revisiting recent blogs to provide you with an update on where things stand (this is a Muppet News Flash)

First, I’ll bet you are all wondering what is happening with my insurance situation. Well pilgrim, I’m glad you asked. It turns out that they cancelled my policy (now isn’t that a kick in the pants). Not only have they cancelled the policy, they did so without even telling me until AFTER the official cancellation date had passed. Isn’t that just swell!?!? The reason, you want their story or the truth (you can’t handle the truth!)? Their reason is that the risk for an unoccupied dwelling is too high and therefore, they have to cancel the policy. Now, the truth is that they cancelled the policy because I didn’t lay down and accept their adjuster’s recommendation. According to the timeline (and I have put together this timeline), the policy was cancelled just about the same time that their adjuster came out to look at the damage to the roof. My guess, he saw the “For Sale” sign in the yard and made his decision about the damage and also communicated with State Farm that the house was empty. Of course, we appealed this and we actually won that one after we sent in a complaint to the GA Insurance Commissioner’s office and contacted the regional director for State Farm. To define win, they reinstated the policy for another two months to allow us time to find a new insurance carrier. They did not back off of the fact that they were no longer going to insure my home. I was going to dump them anyhow (I am breaking up with you) so it’s not a big deal but it’s just another thing that I have to deal with that really should not have happened. Insurance companies are in business to make money so that’s the way the ball bounces. I guess they forget that the money comes from people who have insurance that pay them for the insurance (i.e. me). Somehow it makes sense to them to cancel the policy so I’ll find a new carrier and see where it goes from there.

How about the tattoo thing, how’s that working out? Well, it has been interesting to see the reactions of my Chinese colleagues. Most have really liked it but the funniest part is that two of my colleagues have gotten their own tattoos. Ken got his despite his wife’s disapproval when he asked her about getting one after seeing mine (he said he had always wanted one). He actually went out and got it done. He got one of the small tribal type black tattoos on his upper arm. You wouldn’t know it was there if he didn’t point it out because it is hidden by his shirt sleeve. I think he was inspired to do this when he saw mine and figured that I wasn’t a bad man so he wouldn’t be a bad man either. His wife…..well that’s his problem to deal with because she wasn’t happy anyhow (one small step for man, one giant leap for your wife to remind you of every other day when she does something you hate. When you least expect it, I make you pay.). Another female colleague got a star on her right shoulder blade area. It looked really good; she actually showed it to me first before anyone else could see it. In both cases, they surprised me more with how they treat the tattoo than the fact that they actually got a tattoo. They are told not to wash the area and leave it alone for a week before they can wash it again. This is totally different than what I had to do after I got the tattoo. I washed it with soap and let it air dry, then I applied the antibacterial ointment on the tattoo. After it had a few moments to dry, I wrapped the tattoo in plastic wrap (use Glad Cling Wrap to keep your chicken arm fresh) to keep it from sticking to clothing while drying & healing. At night, I would come home, wash the tattoo and let it air dry and then wrap it again before bedtime. I had to do this for a week to keep the area from getting infected. They seem to just let it heal without any treatment, something I would never have let happen. When Ken showed me his tattoo on Thursday, it was looking pretty rough. It definitely wasn’t healing the way I thought it should but what do I know (my experience is two tattoos, the Chinese built the Great Wall so they must understand the tattoo). I told him to put some medicine on it to prevent infection and it would be fine (I hope). It’s strange, people will wear masks over here to keep from getting sick and they freak out if they get a small cut but give them a tattoo and they do nothing. They don’t seem to understand that a tattoo is a series of very small puncture wounds. Very strange but somehow it makes sense for China.

Warren still needs to write about his trip to Chengdu. He went on a trip with classmates to work in one of the Panda Sanctuaries in Chengdu. This is the place where the pandas that are on “loan” from China come from (like the ones at the Atlanta Zoo). He got to work with the panda caretakers and played Mike Rowe (Dirty Jobs) for a few days as he cleaned panda poo and helped to feed the animals.

How about the eyeglasses? Surprise! Surprise! The glasses are perfect, no issues, no problems. I know; I am as surprised as anyone. I figured I would put them on and walk into a light post or something but I can see just fine. Warren’s are the same way. Now it gets me to wondering, why does the Optometrist do all of those extra things if the machine will provide you with a prescription? For anyone that has had an eye exam, you know the routine. You look into machine (just like the one they had here) and it tells you your vision (Man! You are blind!). However, back home that’s just the beginning of the experience. Then it is sit in the chair for 15-20 minutes and wait for the eye doctor to come in and review your history and the new vision. He then does the air-puff thing on your eyes which I think is a test for glaucoma or something like that (everyone loves this test, keep your eyes open and have them hit your eyeball with a quick puff of air making you head jerk back….). Then he’ll put that goofy, massive borg-looking machine in front of you and start the click-click-click as he allegedly dials in your prescription. Then its start the selection process as you read the eye chart. “Which is better 1 or 2…..1……2…..2…..1?” You say “2”. “A…..B…..A…..B……or about the same?” “The same” Click-click-click. Now which one “1….2…..1…..2…..1…..2?” All the while you are sweating it out as you realize that any mistake will screw up your eyes worse. You start to wonder if it really matters and find your mind drifting away to the dulcet tones of “1…..2…..1…..2” (and ah-one and ah-two and ah……). Then you are snapped back to reality as his voice seems to change and he’s becoming annoyed that you can’t make a decision. “C’mon dummy, it’s either 1 or 2, do I have to draw you a roadmap?” (even if you did I couldn’t see it) Then it’s almost over or so you think. He makes some clicks and says “can you see the chart?” (sorry, I wasn’t paying attention is that an “W”), this is your new prescription. (Can I see “A” again?) Here was your old one, and here is your new one. There’s virtually no change (great, and how much did it cost me for that piece of news?). Then it’s time for the dreaded, “We want to dilate your pupils, is that okay?” (HECK NO!) Whatever. So they put drops in your eyes and make you wait in the waiting room and expect you to read a magazine or something but you can’t focus on anything because did I happen to mention that my pupils are dialating. (What!?!?!? Ellen is dating Oprah or does that say Elton John is signing opera? Oh crap! I picked up People magazine! Loooser!) After 10-15 minutes it’s back into the room to wait for the doctor again. This time he picks up the magnifying glass that he used as a kid to burn ants and decides he will focus his “laser” beam on the back of your eyeball (insert evil laugh here). He gets uncomfortably close as he stares into the back of your eyeball like a witch doctor studying the bones he just rolled out on the table. (this year’s American Idol winner will come from the US. Tell me more oh powerful one. The world will end of March 21, 2011. Swing-and-a-miss.) After a few minutes he’ll tell you everything looks good and then it’s out to pay for the visit and select your glasses. All the while you can’t see crap. Am I writing a check or am I just signing a Post-It note? You have to rely on someone to help pick out your frames and tell you if they look good so you don’t pick out ladies glasses. Remember, my eyes are dialated, how can I pick out frames? Then they send you out into the bright sunlight to watch you hunch over in pain and the light burns a hole through your head (it burns, it burns). You look like a reject from The Lost Boys as you stagger to find your car and wait for the light to go out. Hopefully you have some old people sunglasses (you know the ones I am talking about) to allow you to drive home.

But I digress from the point (don’t I always). Does all of this mean that your prescription is more accurate? Not really, last time at the eye doctors before I left, the prescription I had was bad and it made me sick to put on the glasses. The doctors could find nothing wrong and so I finally had to go to another eye doctor who fixed the prescription. Here, one “doctor”, one prescription and everything went fine without all of the other extra add-ons (how about the extra-thin lenses….that’s an additional $80. You should get the scratch-resistant coating…another $40. How about the lens cleaning kit? And so on it goes…). It may turn out that I was lucky but somehow with all of the Chinese that wear glasses that they know what they are doing here. So we’ve been to the dentist (and by we, I mean Tammy and the boys), the doctor and the optometrist here without any major issues. Lucky for us, Suzhou is pretty comfortable for Westerners so it’s probably a lot worse in many other places.

So, what’s left? The one update that maybe you already know. We are heading back to the US in July (should be home on July 4th…..sounds about right doesn’t it?). We’ll be leaving Georgia and heading to South Carolina so we’ll be looking for new digs and finding out what we have missed the past two years. What about the blog? You’ll have to wait and see.

Seeing Clearly

Today Warren and I had another new experience in China; we went to get our eyes checked. It has been 2 years since our last eye examination but at some point in time you have to make a decision to be sure you can still see what is happening around you (who moved that tree?). Unfortunately the fact that there is an English speaking clinic for medical and dental issues here kind of spoils you. As far as an eye doctor, we tried to find someone but we were unable to locate an English speaking eye doctor here in Suzhou. So we had to test the waters with a Chinese speaking “doctor” (or someone who played a doctor on TV). We didn’t know exactly where to go but we knew of a place in the Neighborhood Center that sold glasses. This is the same center where we get out train tickets (and by “we” I mean Tammy) so how bad can it be? Train tickets….eyeglasses, almost the same right? We walked by the place a couple of weekends back and I wasn’t really sure about it but Warren needed new glasses so it was time (feel the power of the dark side) to test the waters.

The eye shop was kind of similar to a Lens Crafters or places like that. Small counters with different types of glasses and lenses, there was also a small section (about the size of a broom closet) where they appeared to do the eye exams and another small section where they prepared the lenses for the frames. It was kind of a typical place but to a much smaller scale. There was no back hallway leading to the examination rooms or the dentist-type chairs to sit in with all of the fancy, high-tech looking equipment all around. It was a simple shop where they sold eyeglasses and where we assumed they performed eye exams. There were two ladies working along with an older gentleman that you first assumed to be the optometrist (and you know what happens when you assume) but he wasn’t (so much for the power of perception). We went in and looked around for a moment and once she looked to be “free” I walked over and indicated Warren (that’s right, put your first born in the line of fire….I’m not gonna try it, let’s get Mikey) needed an eye exam and the lady took him over to the small examination area of the store. It was like a small alcove in the store that was separated by a short 2 ft high wall. She sat him down and had him look into the magic “this is your eye prescription” machine (you know the one, it shows the house and the field) to figure out what his new prescription would be. She told him to put his face into the mold while she setup the machine (did I mention she was speaking Chinese). The funny thing was that because of his height, he was trying to move his chair down at the same time she was moving the machine downward. He is trying to lean into the machine without having to stoop over like the hunchback of Notre Dame and she keeps dropping the height on him. Eventually, he put his head in there and got the readout. Then she took these “Harry Potter meets Harry Carry special black and round slotted frames and put some lens options in the slots and had him put on these “glasses” to check his prescription. It was pretty comical as he had these Borg looking (resistance is futile) glasses on. She then had him sit in another chair to look at a mirror located about 2 meters in front of him and read the chart that was over his head. Let me say it again, he sat in a chair underneath an eye chart and looked in the mirror to try and read the chart. It contained E in different directions (up, down, left and right). She stood next to him and took her ruler and pointed to an “E” and told him to tell her if he saw it. Warren was all confused as she pointed and asked him questions in Chinese. I figured it out as I watched from the peanut gallery and told him to give her the direction with his hand. Then she would say “Hao bu Hao” and move on to the next line. He was starting to get it when she asked even more questions (all in Chinese of course). It was pretty comical, Now Mr. Potter please tell the class about the potion that she has taken that is forcing her to speak in a language that only she can understand. I’m trying not to laugh loudly but I am chuckling as she asks him questions and then turns to the tray of lens inserts and adds them and continues to ask questions. Warren would look at her, with those huge, bug-eye frames and try and figure out what she said but he was having limited luck. She then asked him “Shufu bu Shufu”. We had no idea what she was asking so she tilted her head to the left and right like some kind of insane bobble head doll and continued to say “shufu bu shufu”. Now I can’t help myself, I’m laughing louder watching this comedy unfold. Warren is sitting in the corner of this little closet wearing the Harry Potter birth control glasses (black frame with the red lens selections) staring at a mirror while trying to figure out what this lady is saying in Chinese about the stuff she Is pointing to just over his head.. We still both looked confused when she kicked it up a notch and came over to me and wrote out the character for “shufu” on a piece of paper. Ooooh, now I understand (not!!!). She must’ve thought a lot about me because I looked smart or something (man was she wrong; people think I’m white and nerdy). I had pulled out my Chinese-English dictionary and was trying to figure out how to spell “shufu” in Pinyin so I would know what the heck she was saying. Finally, it became clear…comfortable. She was asking if the glasses were comfortable, meaning was he feeling okay with the new prescription. Aha! Now we’re getting somewhere. He had no issues so we could move forward to the frame selection.

This wasn’t as bad, although the selections were a little weird since the Chinese pretty much have rectangular frames all the time. The round frames are not normally used here. As with any eyeglass place, they had some winners and losers for frames. He would try on a pair, she would mumble something and either take them back or laugh and take them back. Too big, too small, not right, whatever. It was like the normal routine at home just with a different flair. Of course, Warren and I were on our own here without a female presence to tell you what looks good (look mom, I dressed myself!). Warren had to say “This is when we need Mom.” as I would provide my typical supportive statements when he was trying out the different frames. You know what I am talking about “Hey, those look okay….if you want your girlfriend to dump your butt”, “Those ones are nice…for a woman”, ”Oooh, I like those….not!” Your standard, run-of-the-mill supportive parent type comments (look, I am not the one you should be looking to for advice on anything to do with fashion, I freely admit it). I am not sure why he didn’t find me helpful. Eventually he settled on the style and then she showed us a book and was pointing to different tables. I had an idea of what she was indicating because there was a cost number attached and told her that was okay. Warren looks at me and says “did you understand her?” I said no but she was indicating costs so she was talking about lens options and thought that his prescription would be okay with the standard lenses. You know, back home they give you the once over with the “how about the UV coating?”, “you want the thinner lenses”, “how about tinting”, and so on as they go “cha-ching”. Here I had no idea what the options were but I guessed that it was about the lens thickness more than anything else and of course, I was right (as far as anyone could tell). So she tallies up the final costs for the exam (if you want to call it that), the frames and the lenses….560 RMB, that’s $86. Find me a pair of frames in the US that costs less than $80. It’s crazy!

So after he was done, I stepped up and got my eyes checked as well (step aside and let me show you how a man does it!). My exam was limited as she indicated that my current prescription was good and there was no change needed. Then it was pick out the frames and lenses for me. I picked out some of the magnetic frames (that have the sunglass attachments) and thought those would be okay for me. The best part was that I got two different attachments, one that was a blue shaded option and the other she pulled out of the case for me to try. She held this little card out in front of me and had me look at it with and without the shades. The card changed and revealed a secret message as soon as you put on the shades (don’t forget to drink your ovaltine) like some kind of super spy trick. It was really bizarre because she said that those lenses were made for driving. Driving, really!?!? So the frames allow you not to see people as you focus entirely on driving? (pay no attention to the person on the bicycle since they are paying no attention to you) Perhaps they omit the other cars on the road? With the way they drive, I think everyone has a pair of these lenses (Wow! The whole road to myself, this is great!). Anyhow, I got those frames with the attachments, all for 800 RMB, $125. I couldn’t even get frames in the past for that much. Of course, the proof will be in the ricecakes. If we get the glasses and they don’t help, then it’s wasted money but if these work, we’re golden.

She originally told us tomorrow afternoon to pick up the glasses but then was telling us something different. Sometimes, knowing words is okay but it still tough to understand the full message. I understood company and go home but the rest was a mystery. Another Chinese was in the store and she talked back and forth with him when he tried to tell me that it would be Tuesday before the glasses would be ready. The lens makers (time to make the lenses) were off of work for the day. Ahhh, no problem. Tuesday is fine.

The best part was that when she took our glasses for the measurements to fit the new lenses, she wiped them with this cloth before she handed them back. It looked like an old, dirty dishrag that was dingy gray color. She wiped the glasses and Warren whispers to me “wipe them before you put them one” but I wasn’t listening. It was like a bum at the airport was washing your windshield with a grease rag, everything was blurred and nasty. I really don’t want to know where the rag has been but I suspect it was used to clean more than just glasses (time for the Fox5 Investigative Team to jump into action). I just said thanks and headed out the door and wiped off the glasses with my shirt. Meanwhile, she headed for the bathroom with "the cloth”……aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!