Soccer (that's football to the rest of you)

With the Euro Cup Football championship happening right now (no really, it’s happening now) it’s a good time to talk about soccer. If you only watch soccer every now and again, this is one of those times to sit back and enjoy the sport. Before we left for China, we were heavily involved in a Christian youth soccer league at the church we attended. We spent a few hours per week and lots of hours every of Saturday at the soccer fields during the season to with the aim of providing a safe and fun activity for kids. What we enjoyed the most about the league were the people we met and worked with over the years. Being a Christian league, we really didn’t have much trouble with “those” parents (and you know who you are) which made it much easier. [Memory sequence……before we became a part of CYS, we were in the Henry County Soccer League. Warren played in the league for 2+ years and I coached him through U-6 when I decided it was time to leave the coaching to the “experts”. Even with the under 6 kids the parents were ridiculous. If their son or daughter was accidentally knocked down, it was “don't take that, push ‘em back!”. It was that kind of stupidity (flashback to yesterday’s post) that made us look elsewhere and find CYS. Sequence ended.] Now there were the difficulties that would creep in and some bruising comments but because we were surrounded with good people, typically we would be able to laugh it off (after venting about it) and move forward. After all it was about the kids, it’s why they call it a youth league (memo to every parent who was a high school star “athlete”….your time is over!). Okay, enough of the nostalgia, on to the story.

Since we returned to the US, we had not gotten back into the sport until this Spring when we signed Jacob to play soccer in the local YMCA league. We weren’t sure what to expect but we went in with “reasonable” expectations, after all the YMCA has been around a long time. We did have some experience with the YMCA in Georgia when we included their fledgling soccer program for one season with our league (after all it’s about community outreach). We found out rather quickly that they really didn’t understand the “C” in YMCA and it was a poor fit between the two leagues. We were happy to put that experiment behind us for several reasons, one of which was just the difference in how the kids played. The YMCA kids were the “ESPN” generation meaning that they trash talked and really didn’t know or care to know the meaning of sportsmanship. Our league wasn’t like that and I’ll leave it there. So in our return to the US, it was time for us to test the YMCA in Greenville to show us if they understood the “C” (if you don’t know about the “C”, you can Google it yourself…I can’t do everything for you).

I could go into a long diatribe about the program but I’ll stick to the basics. Like many other sports programs, it’s no longer about the kids….it’s the parents living vicariously through their kids that ruin the sport. I never wanted to be one of those parents but I found myself becoming frustrated on the sidelines because of what I saw. The YMCA directors seemed to just be there (never moving and never really seeming to take much of an interest in any of the games). I was rather surprised that there was no real feel for why they were there or even who was there representing the Y. Jacob played at 3 different fields and at none of the fields could you easily identify the YMCA person in charge or anyone else there to assist with issues. I guess as long as they got their money, they were happy. Now, what the money paid for I don’t know. The equipment was old and the fields were in poor shape so it made me wonder what we were getting for the money beyond a lovely YMCA shirt.

Item #2; the referees. The referees in some cases were two older kids wearing t-shirts and just walking around the field displaying the interest and enthusiasm of a vegan sitting down to a bacon cheeseburger lunch (with extra bacon please) at Five Guys Burgers & Fries. We watched and of course commented (to ourselves at first) on the relatively poor ability of these referees to not only control the game but to make the most basic of calls. I think they had a whistle (a dog whistle) but when they blew it, you didn’t hear it (although I did hear a hound dog bray in the distance). Maybe it was supposed to blow bubbles. Anyhow, at the half of Jacob’s first game, Tammy went to speak with a YMCA coordinator (who we did identify because she was in their golf cart wearing a YMCA shirt) and I kind of knew where it was going. She came back to get Warren and he was off to discuss becoming a referee for the season. It paid ($15/game) so it was a way for him to continue to stuff his mattress with money. Because of what I saw; the next weekend I stayed with Warren for the day as he worked with two college students to referee 6 games. With college kids being a referee on a U-10 league, you would expect it to be simple to call the game but it really didn’t work out that way. Warren still had some re-learning pains as he worked his way back into being a referee but I knew he would get better. Now being the nurturing parent I am, I told Warren what he needed to do to get better (read I told him what he was doing wrong) but the other guys were on their own. They didn’t run the field correctly and were consistently out of position which produced bad, or even worse, no calls for major infractions. Kids were getting feisty and the referees did nothing to calm the rough play, it was just plain bad. I had expected a little more from a program that was established but it wasn’t happening (let me be clear, it’s not the kids fault, without proper guidance and support you get what you give).

Item #3, the parents and coaches. Well, we found that what we had left behind was still there. I understand rooting for your child but in many cases, it seemed they were actively rooting against the other kids. There was always the one parent that would express their “superior knowledge” to the parents around them as if they all really were there to listen to the inane ramblings from this person (kind of like the writings of certain people that post their brilliant musings to an audience….poor delusional souls). For one game, we had just arrived with Jacob to play his game and I could sense that all was not well with the game Warren was handling. As I walked around to get a feel, I could sense where the trouble was emanating and then I saw the coach run over to the sidelines to talk to the parents. (Again, this is the YMCA). He said “I know we are getting the sh_t kicked out of us but we need to stop the chatter from the sidelines.” The parents seemed a little stunned and of course Mr. Smarty had to make snide comments after he left but the coach was right. The parents weren’t helping anyone with the comments about the way the game was being called. The game ended shortly thereafter and I went over to Warren and he told me that he told the coach that he would start ejecting parents if he heard any more from them. It was a tough game for him and he had reached his limit. (Again, I go back to an earlier point, where were the YMCA people to notice this behavior….). This same coach had also used foul language when talking to the kids on his team (which was a team of 8-10 year old boys). What a role model! Of course he wasn’t the only coach with issues; we found that we disliked a lot of them for many reasons. Now, a moment ago I bashed the referees; and here I am defending my son (because he never does anything wrong)….how do I justify standing on both sides of the fence? I actually don’t and I didn’t see the game to know how Warren did but what I did see, he called pushing and was doing what he should do. He was forceful on the whistle and loudly proclaimed the infraction and set up for the restart. That’s his job, calling the game as he sees it but dealing with the parents….that’s where the YMCA people should step in to support these kids. I heard only a few musings and I wasn’t pleased because the parents acted like they were chastising an adult and not a 16 year old kid. I saw a few parents talk to Warren after the game and the coach came back around to him as well so I think they wanted him to know that they appreciated the effort. [I always find it strange that people apologize for someone they don’t know but it is what it is].

As it turned out, we became “those” parents. We would watch and just get upset at the lack of participation by the YMCA in just about every aspect. When I sent an e-mail with what I thought was constructive feedback (and believe me, it could have been much worse) to one of the sports directors, I didn’t even get a simple note back saying that the e-mail was received and thanks for the involvement with the program (or at least a thanks for your feedback, we always strive to maintain the highest level of blah, blah, blah political brush off letter). That was probably the worst thing about it. I know that communication is the key to success and even if you don’t agree with the comments, at least acknowledge them. After the games, we would settle down because we would recognize that our reactions would be mirrored by our kids.

So what does this all mean? It means that we miss the CYS experience (Kelly, where you at?). Was it perfect? No, but we did whatever we could to make it better for everyone. We miss the people that were there to cheer the kids, week after week, regardless of the outcome. After all, isn’t that the reason why we put the kids in these programs (besides the exercise aspects). Maybe it’s one of those “you can’t go home again moments” but I don’t remember ever getting as uptight watching Jacob’s games as I did this past season. However; saying all that it’s all on me to live within the confines of “control what I can control” that so I don’t become the next parent you see on the news running on the field to tackle a kid after he does his celebration for scoring a goal. So my word of advice to all parents….let the kids play and stop with all of the other junk. After all, it’s just a game isn’t it?

People are stupid

I have several mottos to live by; near the top of the list…..people are stupid. No, it’s not very nice but it happens to be true. When (not if) you come to this realization, it will help to explain many of the things that happen every day all around us. You want evidence. How about this one example that will prove to you that people are stupid. Take a look at this photo from the top of a small container of cheese purchased in the supermarket. It says 20% more….WOO-HOO!!!! We’re about to get more for the money right?!?! Not really, read the whole thing. It says 20% MORE cheese than our 5 oz. packages. Now look at the bottom, it’s a 6 ounce package. [Editors note, I really cannot convey the sarcasm in this next section enough so when you read this, lay it on thick.] 20% more cheese in a 6 oz package than a 5 oz package…..Wow! How did they do that??? That’s incredible!!! This company really knows how to put the consumer first!!!! This defies the laws of physics and math!

I can just imagine the global marketing strategy meeting for DiGiorno.

     Marketing guy: “We don’t need to do much except change the size of the package and indicate that it is MORE and people will buy it and feel good about getting a bargain”.

    CEO: “Genius. Now I can get that corporate jet that the politicians are always talking about. I didn’t see the need before but it appears if I really want to be envied, I need one of those.”

How else can you explain this? They didn’t change anything but added in the small “20% MORE” snippet of information and we’re hooked. The average consumer looks at this and says to themselves “Self. I need that because it’s more for the money, after all it says so right on the package.” Think about how many times you see a package in the grocery store that says “___% More or ___% Larger”, it’s all around you. Now, next time read further. Many times they change the size of the box and actually keep the total amount in the box the same but because it says it’s larger, it’s assumed that they have increased the amount of the product in the box. Of course, at the same time they increase the price. But because they figure people aren’t paying attention, which they are not, they buy it and think they are getting more for their money. Caveat emptor people!

Of course you cannot use just one example so I’ll add this food for thought. JCPenney has gone to labeling their merchandise with the actual price that they will charge. No more sales, no more gimmicks, just the actual price that you will pay. What has happened since the implementation of this new policy? They have lost about 20% in revenue. Why? Because people feel better about buying something if they see it is marked down. “Oooh, this is on sale for $6.99, marked down from $17.49, I really need it now because it is such a good deal.” Over at JCPenney, they just have it marked for $6.99 without the “Marked Down”, “Sale”, “Discount” tag. People buy at the other store because they feel they get a better deal although they are paying the same price. Think about it, how many times do you see these markdowns on jewelry, clothing, furniture, etc.? Do you think that anyone really pays full price anymore? Getting it for half price typically means that they marked it up by 60% or more, you just think it’s a deal because you think it’s really half price. JCPenney was just taking away the gimmicks and providing an honest price but rather than being applauded for getting rid of the gimmicks, they are losing money. Why? People are easily hoodwinked.

Still not convinced? Still need that one last piece of evidence to tip the scales? Look no further than the electorate and what the politicians are doing. We are spending more than we take in as a country. As a household, we would call that a recipe for disaster as one day, the bill collector cometh and taketh away and we will need to pay the bills. Most people (please note the word most because…well you know) tighten their belt and find ways to save cash (and I’m not talking about these coupon crazies that purchase outrageous quantities of items for a “good deal” and hoard them in their basement for the day that they will need a case of Rice Krispies. Hey, add that in to the “people are stupid” as exhibit C) in order to get out of debt. People want “free” stuff from the government not because they earned it but because they have a “right” to it. They forget that someone else is picking up the tab (and it’s your neighbors!). Too many people do not realize that the government doesn’t have any money it doesn’t first take from someone else (emphasize the word TAKE please). Government funds are the people’s funds but the politicians and too many in the electorate have lost their way. Far too many people have become takers and not givers (approximately ½ of the potential taxpayers pay ZERO in taxes, how’s that for “fairness”). What’s the solution….spend more of course! People are not only stupid but they are basically selfish. Ask not what you can do for your country, ask instead what your country should give to you. Everyone gripes about the politicians (see “most hated jobs” post) but yet when it comes time to pull the lever, people vote for the same fool they hated yesterday. The politicians know it which is why they do everything in Tweet segments. When things aren’t going their way, they lash out and use ridiculously overblown statements like “they want grandma thrown out in the street” or they want you to “drink dirty water” (those bastards!) or they grandstand and walk out from a vote (sorry guys, this is becoming old). Every wonder why the President has term limits but the Senators and Congress people don’t? You know why.

You can find other examples every day, how about the warning labels on items we purchase. Don’t put this plastic bag over your head, don’t put your fingers inside the blender and turn it on, caution….hot coffee can burn you. Why are these there? Because people are stupid and stupid people find lawyers that sue companies and/or people for stupid things. How about this little league mom that is suing a 13 year old boy for hitting her in the eye with a baseball. It wasn’t intentional but because she has medical bills (and attorney’s fees) to pay, she needs to find the person responsible. She didn’t get anything from the little league so now she goes after a child. Seriously, the parents aren’t liable here since there was no intent, what does she expect, they are going to garnish the kid’s wages from his paper route? Sometimes an accident is just that but that isn’t good enough anymore. Who pays when companies like McDonalds lose a lawsuit? Of course, you do. In the end, (to quote Ron White) “You can’t fix stupid”, but we are all paying the price for it. How stupid is that?

Neighbors

The golden rule of purchasing any kind of real estate is “Location, location, location”. When we did our mini-tour of the Greenville-to-Clinton “golden mile”, we looked at homes from the “downtown” area to the “unibomber” area in the countryside. When we narrowed the search to basically one house, it came down to the location. We were in what we had read was a good school district (realizing that “good” is a relative term in South Carolina since the state ranks pretty low on the scale of education, and by low I mean we’re #1 and not in a good way) and the house was backed up to acres and acres of farmland. Although the lot size was not really what I had in mind, the fact that we didn’t have a backyard that looked into the back windows of someone else’s house, it was a good thing for us and made the location better than just about anything else we had seen.

The acres of farmland aren’t for growing crops (or making moonshine….as far as we know), it’s for raising cattle. Not dairy cattle but the cattle that ends up on my plate and tastes delicious when cooked properly. I don’t know if it is Angus beef but I suspect it’s not Kobe beef since I have yet to see anyone massaging the cows. Living next to the cattle farm has it’s pros and cons.

On the pro side;
· We have a good view out of the back of the house. No looking into the neighbor’s house and no neighbors looking into our house.

On the con side;
· Something we should have figured out on our own but we didn’t consider it when purchasing the home. Cows have a certain, how should we say it, odor that isn’t really the most pleasant smell in the world. Now I am sure for the farmer, it is the smell of money but for us….it’s the smell of poo (to steal the word from Mike Rowe).
· The morning cow alarm. I never realized how much noise the cows make but they seem to feel that it is their job to ensure everyone is awake by 7:30am. No rooster….no problem. They decide it’s time for them to “Moo” and do it rather loudly. Oddly enough there is a lot of different ways that this is done.
o There is the cow the sounds like a train coming “MMooooooOOOOOO”
o There is the cow that just stubbed his toe (and for the record, yes I know they don’t have toes) “MMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAHHHHHH!”
o There is the small squeaky cow, “mmmOOOOoooo”
o The Barry White cow, “m-m-m-o-o-o(baby)”
o The baby cow, “moo” (short and sweet)
o The hungry cow “MmMmMmOoOoOo”
o The cow alarm, “moo……moo…..moooo”

Don’t get me wrong, we enjoy the house and having our neighbors but there are times when they get on your nerves. Now they do make up for the cons with the baby cows running around and playing together and watching them “run” to the farmer’s truck whenever he drives out to the field to drop something off.

There is one other situation that makes one a little nervous about the bovines in the backyard. In the early morning hours, when it’s a little foggy outside one cannot help but think about Stephen King when you hear the echoes of the cows grazing in the pasture and mooing as they find just the right spot to settle down for breakfast.

They just appear out of the haze and start to do what they do but you just get the feeling on those days that the cows are about to hop the electrified fence and come charging through the home on a murderous rampage. They just stand there, chewing the grass, staring at you but you can envision their eyes turning red as they continue to advance towards the house. Quick kids in the car! Oh No, someone has pulled the distributor cap from the engine (looking out the back window you see a cow chewing on the wires like a patch of nice tall grass). “Cooking steak will ya!?! Eat this t-bone!!!! How about another serving?” I don’t know, maybe it’s just me reading too many Stephen King novels. I am certain there is something that could come from this, Cattle of the Corn, Steak through the Heart, Stampede….

Anyhow, I digressed a little. It’s no different than 100 decisions we make every day in life but when purchasing a home, you’ve got to think much longer term and it’s so much more money there is a lot more pressure to get it right. If you can ensure that the Pros outweigh the Cons, chances are that you’ll get along fine (as long as you know the cons beforehand). We’re happy where we are but we wish the cows would give us another 30-60 minutes to sleep in on the weekends. I’ve put steaks on the grill with them watching to send a message but I don’t think that cows are necessarily the smartest animals on the planet and are able to put together that the sizzle and smell in the air is Maybelle who took a ride yesterday and hasn’t come back yet (she must be on vacation in Florida). Stupid cows!

I guess the bottom line is that I’ll take a bunch of smelly and noisy cows as my backyard neighbors instead of a family of clean and hygienic people. Now what does that say about me?

Voting

Today is the day the many in South Carolina have been waiting for….today should be the last day of the ridiculous political ads to be played ad naseum. Oh yeah, today is the day of the South Carolina primary voting which, if you believe the hype, is the day the Republican Presidential candidate will be selected (take that Iowa and New Hampshire!). Of course, they’ll say that SC has picked the candidate in the last number of contests (since 1980). Eventually that will change but for many here there is a sense of pride in this. Now the fact is that this is the 3rd of the contests and that many of the candidates drop out so there are fewer to pick from and therefore the odds swing in our favor (right now it’s a 50-50 chance). But let’s not muddy the water with facts (let’s stick to a debate format, we got this question from Matt in Bumpkinville on our Twitter feed, Matt has an important concern that is on the mind of many Americans during this tough economic time. Matt wants to know why you don’t have a cat. We’ll start with Rep. Ron Paul. “Well, there aren’t any cats mentioned in the Constitution….” [his supporters wearing their aluminum foil hats cheer and walk away from the debate thinking that cats are part of the anti-Ron Paul conspiracy]).

Anyhow, back to the day. Although a Presidential election did not occur during our time abroad, we are very happy to be back in the US take part in one of the roles of an American citizen. It is a privilege to vote and unfortunately many in the US do not feel the need to perform this function. Some, like those convicted of crimes, have forfeited this opportunity but for the remainder….there are very limited excuses that can explain why they did not vote (even those that are “disenfranchised because they have to show a valid state ID in order to vote). When you look around the world, it speaks volumes that so many turn their backs on this opportunity. Voter turnout in the US is well below what it should be and Americans should be ashamed of this fact. We have become fat and lazy and have forgotten the sacrifices that have been made in the past (and are still being made). It’s funny that in China, people believe that life in the US is easy because we have “human rights”. Instead many Americans have taken for granted that voting will always be there and believe that they only need to vote “when it matters”. Sorry folks, but it matters each and every time!

Get out there and make your choice known or shut the heck up! If you don’t vote (and believe me I think there should be some kind of test to keep stupid people from voting but that’s a different post) then don’t complain about the outcome. Don’t tell me my vote doesn’t count because I know when I leave the booth, my guy has one more vote than the other guy.

New Year's Eve

Since this was our first opportunity in a long time to spend New Year’s Eve with my family, we decided to take the plunge and invite everyone over for the Dudley’s Holiday Bash with Warren Seacrest and Jacob Clark. We planned on lots of food and use the Xbox 360 Kinect for entertainment.

You’ll need some quick background information to help with the story so here’s the Reader’s Digest version (if this were Star Wars, I would call it a prequel but like Star Wars, the later episodes come first). About 2 weeks ago, my parents went to the local Humane Society and brought home a dog (at least that’s what they say it is). They got a short-haired Chihuahua (you ever hear of a long-haired Chihuahua? There is such a thing but when I think of these dogs like many others I think “Yo Quero Taco Bell”.) that is about 14 months old and looks like a small deer. The people at the HS said it was 5 years old and weighed 9 pounds….it’s actually closer to 14 months old and weighs about the same as a small bag of Doritos (Taco Flavored just to keep the theme working). My parents have gone through multiple dogs (just to be clear, the dogs died of old age…we are not Korean…but they were delicious) and after the death of Missy, it appeared that my parents were going to be “dog free”. However, things changed and it was decided that it was time to get another dog. It was a surprise but at least it wasn’t a poodle, I HATE those curly little rats! (It all started when I was five and I went to my grandparent’s house….sorry, I’ve missed my last several sessions with the shrink.). Jacob and Warren accompanied my parents to the Humane Society to pick up the dog and bring it home. It seemed like a very docile animal with none of that small dog “yip-yip” barking. However, the dog also seemed a little skittish (again, we’re not Korean and on that note, do you think Kim Jong Il is in hell right now with dogs chewing on his fat ass? Just a thought.). Anyhow, that’s the background, on to the story.

So, my sister is the first to arrive to help us setup the buffet table. We’ve got ham, spring rolls, samosas, veggies & dip, chicken fingers, buffalo chicken dip, chips, soft drinks, etc. Plenty of food for everyone…in the neighborhood. I was outside slaving over the deep fryer to get the spring rolls & samosas cooked so they would be fresh for the party, the spring rolls are always better when they are hot out of the fryer. At about 6:15 or so, around the corner comes my mom with the little dog in tow. It was sniffing around just like any other dog but became a little spooked when it saw Tammy and I standing there looking at it. Lilly (that’s the dog’s name) continued to check out the yard at the end of the leash but it would look back often to see what we were doing (pay no attention to the people by the deep fryer….and if you were wondering, yes she would easily fit into the fryer). I went over to take the leash from my mom so she could go inside the house since it was starting to get dark and cold outside. When the dog realized that the person connected to the leash was not my mom, it freaked out. It started to pull away from me and squirm. She had on a harness but somehow the dog was managing to free itself from the harness. I realized that the dog was escaping and tried to pull it in and move closer to grab it when it squirmed free. I almost had her but then she was out of the harness and on the loose. I asked my mom to come get the dog when it bolted for the neighboring town houses that were across the four empty lots by the house (the subdivision we are in is still “under construction”)`. I went inside to grab a flashlight and headed back out in the direction I last saw the dog. Warren headed out with me and everyone began to pour out of the house to find Lilly. I saw it in the distance heading behind a house and told Warren to run down the street and cut across the last house to see if he could cut off the escape route (it’s a classic pincer movement Patton used so I figured it would work on a little dog as well). So we’re all running around trying to find this small dog that could run pretty darned fast when she wanted to. We’ve got the cars out with headlights beaming into fields around the house hoping to see where she might have gone. The neighbors are coming outside their houses and we tell them we’re looking for a lost dog. [Editor’s note: Deep down, most people are pretty good about things like this. If you are just running through their yards, you get shot but if you tell them that you’ve lost your dog…they cut you a lot of slack and let you do whatever you need to do. One of my neighbors gave me one of those “deer spotter” spotlights to help find the dog. I gave it back because I wasn’t trying to prevent a ship from crashing against the rocks or send a beacon into space, I was just trying to find a small dog and it was overkill. Still, it was extremely nice for someone we didn’t know to allow us to use their stuff, even for a short time.]
We spent about 30 minutes running around, checking behind houses, walking through the thorn bushes and trying to avoid the electric fence that separates us from the cows when we finally made the tough decision to call off the search for a little while. With all the noise and a skittish dog, we were just as likely to chase her away as lure her closer so perhaps it was better to hunker down. We compared notes and essentially, no one had any idea where the dog went (I heard rustling this way, there are dogs barking over there…). I thought the dog had headed out to the cow pastures behind the house and was probably long gone (as long as she didn’t touch the electric fence). There was little we could do except to hope that someone found her and when they took her to the vet, the microchip that was implanted in the dog would tell them who she belonged to. Of course, New Year’s Eve was a pretty chilly evening and as you know, a Chihuahua isn’t exactly a small version of a Siberian Husky. We went inside and ate the moderately warm food (it was ready on time but the excitement of the dog’s departure pushed dinnertime back a little and tried to figure out what to do next.

We talked about the dog and what we could do but since the dog didn’t really approach anyone except my mom, it seemed destined to be a story with a not so happy ending (unless you like frozen dog, on a stick!). Mom went back out with my nephew and headed up the street in search of the dog. I went upstairs to look out the back window from the second floor to see what I could see around the house. From the other side of the house (the opposite direction where she took off running), around the neighbor’s fence comes this small animal just at the very corner of our lot and barely in the illumination of the floodlight. I thought I was seeing things but it was the dog, Lilly. She was moving just like a deer, the ears were perked up and she was looking all around and moving very cautiously. Then, BAM! She took off again back in the direction from which she had come. I ran downstairs (away in an instant, I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash…) and told everyone I had just seen her but she took off. It turns out that Warren was just stepping out on the back deck when he saw the dog and off it went. We called my nephew and told him to come back to the house (with my mom). So, there was some glimmer of hope as the dog made its way back to the house but the problem was still, how could we catch it since it never came close to anyone and it was so fast.

For the rest of the night, the kids tried to make it fun but there was the hanging cloud of “what would happen to the dog” lingering over our heads. My mom moved the chair next to the back door and was staring into the back yard hoping the dog would come back. We put some ham on a plate and moved her bed outside just to see what would happen. Every once in a while my mom would go outside and call the dog’s name. My dad and I went outside and did our best stealth moves to watch for the dog and see if we could catch her. We were about 15 feet apart, I was by the house and he was in the lot next to the house where we had seen her go back and forth before. I carried a piece of ham to try and lure the dog to me. We could see her, just outside of the lighted area and she would walk slowly up the divide between the lots and then, she would stop and look directly at my father and turn around and go back. We would move slowly towards each other hoping to close the trap when she was within reach. One time, she came within 4-5 feet of my dad and they just kind of stared at each other when she turned again and took off. We turned on the car and had my Mom call for the dog but she would not walk between us. It was looking like she was going to make life difficult on us since she was like a mirage. She was there and then, she was gone again. We went back inside and I continued to watch for the dog out of the window but I didn’t see the dog for a while and figured that the dog was determined to spend the night outside.

At around 10:30, my mom went back outside by herself and went to the edge of the field and called the dog. She carried a piece of ham to help. By this time, the dog had to be very cold and probably tired from all of the running around. I watched from the bedroom as the dog appeared and slowly moved towards her. She would inch closer and my mom didn’t move except to hold out the piece of ham. It was a slow process as the dog would lean forward to get a sniff or try to take a bite of the ham and my mom would pull it closer to her. The tension built as this continued for several minutes and the dog came closer and closer. Finally, the dog was close enough and my mom reached down and grabbed the dog and brought it inside to everyone’s relief. The dog was very cold and my mom wrapped it in a blanket to warm it up. I have to believe that Lilly was as happy to get caught as my mom was relieved to have the dog back. Like I said, it had only been two weeks but it doesn’t take that long for a dog to become part of the family.

It was a good thing because I don’t believe the dog would have survived the night outside. In my mind, I already knew I couldn’t tell my mom that we peeled the dog’s body from the grass in the morning. I was already planning the “little white lies” to keep the legend of Lilly alive.

Mom: Did you find the dog yet?
Me: No, but I have seen her around the neighborhood and the food I put out is gone so I think she is eating. The neighbors have seen her as well and think it will just be a matter of time before she’ll be caught.
Mom: Okay, you let me know when you’ve found her.
Me: No problem, don’t worry I am sure she’ll come around eventually. [Hang up the phone] Now kids, you don’t tell your grandmother that we buried the dog next to the electric fence this morning. If she asks, you tell her you almost caught the dog. Warren, you tell her you tripped over your big feet and Jacob, you tell her that you were playing the Xbox Live and heard your brother tell the story that he almost caught the dog. Don’t worry, we’ll only have to tell this story until she either stops asking or they get another dog (after all, it’s not a lie if you believe it right? But deep down I knew that one of them would crack under cross-examination so I had to prepare the next lie to cover for the first lie. No, I didn’t bury the Lilly, it was a small deer.).

So it didn’t take us waiting up until midnight to have the excitement of the ball drop. For us, it was the dog pickup that made News Year’s Eve worth celebrating

The Dating Game

In order to keep in touch while we were away on our Chinese odyssey, we used Skype to communicate with friends and family in the US. In China, they have their own Skype type program (of course, they copy everything don’t they?) that they use to communicate with their friends and family, it’s called QQ. It took me awhile to figure out that when they would say “qq” that it was simply two “q’s” (it couldn’t be that simple could it!?!). I would ask them to repeat it and I would be thinking to myself, “How would you spell that?” but then they wrote it down for me (stupid foreigner!) and I could see that it was indeed much simpler than I thought. When I first looked up QQ, I found that it was all in Chinese (duh!) so there would be little use for me to get it but I continued to research and found that there is a QQ International version. So, before I left China, I got myself setup with a QQ Account (you get a 10-digit number for an account name, ask me today and there’s no way I can tell you what my ID number is…maybe the folks from “anonymous” can help me out?). I checked it out and everything worked out without too much fuss. The people at work thought it was funny when they got a QQ message from me testing the system on my computer. Now QQ will not only work for chatting, it also is an e-mail service, it has a game center, personals, and much more (under the watchful eye of the “protectors”, like loving parents to ensure that you are not taken in by those bad influences). Another interesting thing about QQ; in the profile section you can include information like Date of Birth, Gender, Zodiac Sign and Horoscope Sign (Chinese Zodiac) and of course, the ever crucial Blood Type. Yes folks, that’s blood type! Now I don’t know exactly what they would want this information for but if you want to, you can tell everyone that you are O Positive (perhaps the Twilight/Vampire fans understand this?). There is also a second page where you can include more details about yourself (occupation, phone number, # of BMs per day, and so on) if you want to fill in that information. I guess it could be considered a way to encourage people to contact (or not contact) you.

Since I have left China, I have been in communication with my friends still in China through QQ. Every week, I’ll hear from them and find out what they are doing and so forth. It’s pretty interesting to know how things are going for them and just to keep in contact. Without the aid of QQ, I don’t know that I would ever hear from them (or them from me, after all writing a letter is so 70’s). Since QQ is also a mobile app, most have it on their phones and check it regularly (not so in the US, I think there is a QQ App for the iPhone but not for other systems yet). Just like Skype, you can do a video chat using QQ but I know the first time I tried it; there was no sound (3 minute delay while we “improve” the signal). Anyhow, it has turned out to be a nice thing to have in order to keep in touch (just like Skype).

For those with Skype, you know that every once in a while; you’ll get someone who is trolling for contacts. So-and-so wants to add you to his contact list. You’ll look at it and say “Sweetcheeks32, now who is that?” and typically block them and move on (unless you know who the person is on the other end). Sometimes the message, name or profile will try to be alluring in order to gain your attention but it’s not really all that tempting (after all, do you really think she looks like the picture?). This same thing happens with the blog, “people” will post strange comments to try and lure you in (for nefarious purposes) but we delete those comments and move on. Well, I am finding the same is true for QQ. Since I’ve been back in the US, I get 2-3 contact requests every other day (obviously good things are being said about me, I mean if I wasn’t me; I would want to get to know me too.). The funny thing is that every once in a while, there will be something written like you see in the attached image under the Description section.

Helen is looking for a good husband and good daddy for her son (could you please define “good” for me?). What that means could be anyone’s guess but I would assume that Helen is looking for a Sugar Daddy since she has asked for a contact outside of China (if you want to search contacts in QQ, you can do it by Country, State and City and get a complete list of everyone that meets the criteria. You can’t search by name, rather by QQ ID, that 10-digit number I mentioned earlier). She is willing to do whatever it takes to improve her situation, or so it would appear. Our experience in China indicates that some Chinese women will be with much, much older men and so we know how it works (perhaps I am a cynic…just maybe, but I don’t think that this is a May-December romance, it’s a May-December convenience where she spends her time coming up with new, inventive ways of switching his Viagra pills with Ambien and waiting for him to die and leave her all of his money. Picture an I Love Lucy skit played by a Chinese Lucy. “You got some ‘splaining to do” ). We’ve seen these older men with their young wives out at dinner with their child (allegedly) and her parents. The parents are happy to have the grandchild but couldn’t care less about this old fart except when the bill comes along. [Editor’s note, this was something we heard more than once is that when you take a Chinese wife, very often you will also be taking on her parents as well. They may not show up on the honeymoon but the Chinese Frank and Marie Baron are coming to live with you!]. Anyhow, Helen could be a very nice lady who is in a bad situation but think about it…would you actually write this so it can be seen by anyone and everyone? Again, it’s the difference in cultures. The Chinese tend to be a little more blunt or perhaps it could be said that they don’t see the need to filter what they say in many settings. Now it could also be due to the language thing where they use a word that is technically correct but is deemed to be too “harsh” in English. So, they may not even realize that the words or phrases could be seen as insulting (if they say you are fat, guess what….you probably are fat, at least by their standards) or at least very odd to a Westerner. (As an example, a waitress at one place we went to would use a phrase that we were definitely not used to hearing. She would bring the drinks and we would say “Thank you”. Her response “It’s my honor.” Now it was nice to hear but a very strange use of the phrase.)

Now just because I know that you are enthralled by my writing (or you are bored and have nothing better to do), I’ll take this a step further because it seems very strange to me to see a Chinese woman basically throwing out a line for a husband. The female-to-male ratio in China strongly favors the women (and hence it would stand to reason that it should be relatively easy to find a new companion for this woman). I should take a moment to explain that in China a male child, although desired to carry on the family name, is a significant financial burden on the family (I think this is true in all cultures, no such thing as a free kid). Many times I have heard it said that having a daughter means that you can have a better life. Why? It’s because of the traditional expectations for the family of the male child. The family must provide the male child with a place to live after he leaves the house, a car, an education, pay for his wedding and on and on the list goes. In other words, the family of the boy is expected to provide for him whatever the cost. The expectation is that later in life that they will be able to live with him (and his family) when they can no longer take care of themselves (or that is what they hope). The same monetary dynamic is not true for the family with a female child. Since the family of a female child does not have to save cash throughout her life, they can afford to do more things and buy more things. We’ve all heard the stories of the things that are done to ensure a male child in China (stuff that I will not repeat here) but with the number of females in the country, it would appear that attitudes are changing towards having a daughter. This also has major repercussions on dating in the country. The men are in constant competition to find a woman. We watched a show while in China on the dating scene in Shanghai for men and it was not a pretty picture. Not only did men have to compete with other Chinese men for a woman’s attention (and by competing, it was not always about the look, in many cases it was about the size of their…..wallet [what did you think I was going to say pervert]) but they were also in competition with any foreigners living in China. [Editor’s note: This is very similar around Asia; older Western males would go to these countries looking for a younger woman to take as their wife (or nursemaid). It got to the point where the Cambodian government had to issue a law that prevented foreigners over the age of 50 from being married to Cambodian women. There is also a second part to this law that requires the foreigner to have a monthly income of over $2,500 in order to marry a local woman (can you say pre-nup?) I wonder what the local women would get in a divorce settlement…but I digress.] So, problem #1 is the competition. I guess it would be like going to a high school where there were 50 girls and 85 guys and finding a date to the prom. The girls may first want to know who is renting a limo, the size of the limo, where they are going to eat, etc. before making the final decision on whose invitation they would accept. So the “best” guys are taken quickly and the women either choose to accept the 2nd and 3rd tier guys or they don’t go. Either way for the guys, many are going to be left out no matter what they have to offer.

If the guys were really serious about finding someone, they would go on a dating show (I don’t remember the name of it but each Province had their own version of this show). The dating shows on TV would have women judge the man as he was whisked along in front of the audience on a moving sidewalk and given the third degree by the ladies on the panel. It didn’t take much time for these ladies (imagine a panel of American Idol judges but they are a Chinese female version of Simon Cowell with PMS) to be picking the bones from the carcass as the man was given the thumbs down and off he went into oblivion (and typically it came down to the prospects for the man. What did he do for work? How much did he earn? Did he own an apartment? Did he have a car? Did he have a future? The show is called “If you are the one”. One Beijing woman (Ma Nuo) became famous in China for the phrase “I would rather be crying inside a BMW than laughing on your bicycle”. Some hated this woman because she was nothing but a greedy bi-atch but her remarks seemed to reflect the thoughts of many women in these larger cities in China). Combine this with a “one child policy” where each daughter is treated like a princess and you are in for a generation of women with high expectations that no man can meet (except “the Donald”). Not all Chinese women are like this but in the big cities where the money is, that’s where the problem is especially big for the men.

So how did I get here from QQ, I guess for me it’s easy to draw a line between what I see on QQ and what I saw when I was in China. In the US, we call people with 1 car, and only 1 big screen TV below the poverty level but in China (and other Asian countries), when they say “poor”, they mean P-O-O-R. Some will do just about anything to escape the poverty or to try and make their children’s lives better than their own. This is why there is such a competition for schools, jobs, husbands, etc. Helen is just following a path blazed for her by others; find someone who can meet your financial needs and roll the dice.