Someone owes me dinner

WARNING! This could be a TMI (too much information) post so read at your own peril.

This week we were told that we should go to our doctor and get a prescription for antibiotics, pain killers, nausea and anxiety. These are “just in case” prescriptions, hoping we would not need them but if needed we didn’t have to risk the local doctor’s office. Tammy was also told to get a fluoride rinse since there is no fluoride in the water in China and we’ll need this to keep our teeth strong. So, Tammy made me an appointment to see the doctor on Thursday afternoon. I thought I would get a quick check and get the meds and be on my way. WRONG!

After sitting in the waiting room next to a nut job that decided to talk across the room to Judge Alex on TV (I figured she was there to up her meds, I mean get real lady…..it’s a TV show and you’re yelling across the room with 20 other people that want you to shut up). So I get called back to see the doctor. As we walk by the restroom, the nurse indicates I need to pee in a cup. Hmmm, okay…perhaps they just want a quick drug check or something. I do my business and get led to the exam room where there is another nurse and a bunch of blood tubes. Uh-oh, what’s that all about? I ask the nurse why they need blood. It’s for my physical. Okay, it’s a little more than I expected but I guess they want to check me out before they prescribe anything to ensure I don’t get the wrong meds. Lucky me, I just got a check-up in China and now I get another check up. So I get stuck with Nurse New Needle, she looks like she’s right out of class and gets to try to take blood from her first real patient (you’ll feel a little stick…….OUCH!). Her companion nurse is asking me all of the standard questions (you have diabetes, cancer, chronic halitosis, cuticle pain, etc.) while I’m bleeding into a tube and she got to see my face when the needle went in. After Nurse Needle is finished, I’ve got to take my shirt off and get an EKG. I’m really not liking where this is going. My EKG is fine, as I would expect but now she indicates I need a chest x-ray. Are you kidding me…..alright, whatever it takes. After she leaves, in comes the doctor to chat with me. She discusses what prescriptions I was looking for and asks a lot of questions about where we’ll be living and so on. I figure she just wants to be sure before prescribing anything so being thorough is not an issue. Out comes the pad and she begins to note the medications to take with me and I figure I’m out of there in a few minutes. Then comes the big surprise…….”I’ll need you to stand up and drop your pants so I can do a testicle and rectal exam”. (long pause)

I must’ve looked like an insect when the light comes on….freeze, perhaps she won’t see me. Did I hear that right? I’m just here to get some medications to take with me to China…..I’ve been duped!! Exactly what kind of appointment did Tammy set up for me? I was not expecting this turn of events. So I quickly change the topic….I’m supposed to get a chest x-ray. She indicates to me that based on the results of the other stuff, I don’t need it (and since I walked in front of a floodlight, they saw all they needed). Rats! Nowhere to go now, I’ve got a few options; be a man, curl up in a ball and cry like a small child or make a run for it, leaving my shirt and jacket behind. I guess there’s not denying the fact that I’ve now moved into my 40s and now this is something I’ll have to get done with every doctor’s appointment (if I ever see a doctor again). So I have little choice (can I see your medical license?) but to drop ‘em and get fondled and the finger. Turn around and put your elbows on the table (just tell me George Michael is not in the building). I know, it’s for my own good to detect prostate cancer but it just doesn’t seem right, it’s like this test was developed by Dr. Jeckyl (or the IRS). Welcome to your 40’s Mr. Dudley, you’re number 1.