Merry Christmas (there, I said it)

It’s time for a soapbox moment (be very afraid). It’s coming up on December 25th again, the time of the year that we call Christmas. However, in an absolute stroke of cowardice many are afraid to offend anyone and therefore we can’t say Merry Christmas anymore. The mere mention of Christmas sends the PC police into a panic as the ACLU marches in (in their brown shirts) to ensure that no one is “left out”. The new definition of diversity means that traditional values are no longer traditional and anyone that is more “enlightened” can dictate how we should bend to the will of the few. Santa….he’s a religious symbol (after all he is called [gasp] Saint Nick isn’t he?). The Christmas tree…it’s now a “holiday tree” (of course you ask yourself “What holiday is it?” In schools it called the Winter Holiday which just happens to coincide with Christmas.). Being from Maine, it’s an absolute embarrassment that their Governor refers to the decorated pine tree as a holiday tree. Isn’t it bad enough that Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe represent the State as RINOs, now we have the Governors going all PC on us (can’t forget about Rhode Island). I guess we are to forget that a decorated pine tree is in fact, a Christmas tree (sorry to disappoint). If they want to create this “holiday tree” I don’t understand why they just can’t use something like a pecan tree (get it…a nut tree), after all if we are to do away with traditions, why not start from scratch (another Festivus miracle!). Not only that but find a new date that doesn’t already have meaning to others.

What is most interesting to us is that in China, people say “Merry Christmas” (and they are not arrested on the spot, no beating with rubber hoses, no stonings, no one correcting them and indicating it’s the winter holiday.). Consider that for a moment. In a country where there is a very small number of Christians (and the Chinese Christians in China go to State-approved churches that are monitored very closely to ensure there is no risk to the State from those attending the services), the stores put up decorations for the Christmas holiday and you see images of Santa all over (in some cases, the Christmas decorations are up for the entire year but that’s a different post). When they see a Westerner this time of year, they will say “Merry Christmas”, not with a sneer, not with a laugh but with a smile…“Merry Christmas”. Just to be sure the point is crystal clear, in a communist nation where the government rules with an iron fist, it’s “Merry Christmas”. In Thailand, where the majority of people are Buddhist, they say “Merry Christmas” (and we know this because we were in Thailand on the beach this time last year….best vacation ever!). So, once again, even where the religious beliefs do not follow the Christian doctrine, they respect the belief enough to say “Merry Christmas”. In the land of the “free and the brave”, we say “Happy Holidays” and hold out hope that we haven’t offended anyone.

Now I am not the most religious person, my faith is a personal thing and I don’t tend to openly discuss it just because I can. People can choose to believe as they see fit, that’s why people are given free choice. It just makes me wonder where Christmas will be by the end of my lifetime. I will continue to say “Merry Christmas” and if you are offended….tough luck (and to all a good night).

Fried over the Fryer

There are a lot of things we missed while we were in China; one of the biggest was the Thanksgiving holiday. The first year in Suzhou, we went to the dinner at the school (yummy, cafeteria turkey) but the second year we did nothing special for the holiday. Before leaving the US, Thanksgiving was the time where I would get out the turkey fryer and deep fry a turkey. This is one of the “Southern traditions” that we adopted since moving to the South. We had never done this before moving to Georgia and once we tried it, we never went back to cooking the bird in the oven. We tried many different injections and marinades for the turkey but settled on Alton Brown’s brining of the turkey. This is by far the best method we have found to cook a turkey using the deep fryer. We have a “special” relationship with Alton Brown since Tammy and Jacob went to the taping of his turkey special where Jacob made the famous statement “Hey, you know you forgot the stuffing?”. [Editor’s note: Jacob is currently writing his memoirs about his rise to fame and his desire to remain grounded as a middle class kid rather than seek stardom at an early age. What a trooper!]
Anyhow, the turkey fryer we had was old and was damaged to some extent by someone hitting it with the car (I wonder who would do such a thing….I think it was those PETA people). It had some rust (which is not good eats) and before heading to China, the decision was made to “retire” the fryer since it would probably not make the 2 years in storage and still be in useable condition when we came back. With Tammy’s new job at Target (who says there aren't jobs available? She got the job in less than 3 days. Granted it’s not a full time job for $15/hour but a job is a job.), we decided to head out to Target to get a new fryer. We picked up a nice fryer and 6 gallons of no cholesterol frying oil (no cholesterol?!?!) as we prepare for the deep-fried turkey for Thursday. I get it home and start to assemble the fryer to ensure everything works. There’s nothing worse than finding out it is broken while we have turkeys waiting for the 30+ minute soak in the heated, amber whirlpool.
Imagine my surprise when I see pieces that make little sense to me as I pull out the components and start the process. “What’s this thingy? A timer?!?! Aaaarrrggghhhh!!!!! There’s a thermocouple and a timer tied in to the propane gas nozzle. Why? So that a stupid person doesn’t leave the deep fryer unattended for more than 15 minutes. If you do not consistently reset the timer, it will shut off the gas which stops the cooking process. “Are you kidding me?!?!?!?!” This is going a little too far isn’t it? I mean c’mon people. Are we that pathetic that we need the manufacturers to include these things to prevent us from potentially cooking something without being right next to the fryer. Isn’t the purpose of frying a turkey to actually cook it with heat? Now, because some ambulance chasing attorneys have probably made $$$ from these companies, they have tried to prevent people from doing something that could be an issue. Isn’t this America? You mean to tell me that I can’t walk away for more than 15 minutes…..is that right?!?! Granted, I would always remain near the fryer when it was operating (unless I was taking the first turkey out of the fryer and carrying it into the house) so I am responsible when operating the fryer. Just because someone chooses to be irresponsible, does this mean I have to pay the price? What if I am out there for 14 minutes and need to go into the house to check on something, the timer goes off and the fryer turns off by itself. Now I head back out after being in the house for less than 3 minutes and my oil has lost temp and now my turkey is in danger of not being cooked. Now I risk salmonella because some damned fool probably burned his house down or burned himself with a turkey fryer.
All of this for what reason? Think about it for a moment. If you have a gas stove, you could turn on the burner and walk away, blissfully “unaware” that you left the burner on. (I know, I know, no timer….sounds like crazy talk!!!) How is it possible that they overlooked this possibility and didn’t install a timer? Why not on the oven as well? It should shut off after 15 minutes right? Sure, I can’t cook anything unless I can be right there all of the time to reset the timer but that’s the price you pay for safety? Sure the lasagna tastes like crap because the cheese isn’t melted but isn’t it worth the “inconvenience”? I wonder how this could have been overlooked by Maytag, Whirlpool and all of these other companies. Maybe it’s because stoves have been like this for generations and people understand the risks. Folks, you can’t fix stupid. You can try to educate but it’s really up to people if they decide to listen. As long as people can only hurt themselves, then let Darwin’s law take over. Watch an episode of World’s Dumbest and you’ll begin to understand the problem. Adding safety features is okay but let’s not do it at the expense of the actual use of the product. Why not add a timer to cruise control, reset the timer every 15 minutes to ensure the driver remains awake. The fact is that people can use products for many reasons that are not included in the operator’s manual. You can’t stop people from doing stupid things no matter what you do so accept it. Change the legal system to a “loser pays” system and you’ll eliminate all of the stupid lawsuits (like the recent “roaches on a plane” saga where passengers are suing for nearly $1 million because of emotional distress caused by bugs allegedly coming out of the vents…..Oh the humanity!). Start taking away the license to practice from all of the ambulance chasers and things may settle back down. I guess I shouldn’t complain but it’s in my nature. Making things safer is a good thing but people have to be responsible, bottom line, and there’s no switch they can make that ensures this will happen.

The Magic Bus

When we lived in GA, the kids were driven to the school by Tammy and did not have to take the bus for many years. When we moved to China, the boys had to take the bus to school. Now we all think of school buses as the yellow & black buses with the green, hard-as-a-rock bench seating. This is the type of bus that most of us were accustomed to riding from our youth. It’s amazing that since we were kids, there have been all kinds of improvements in auto technology but the buses did not seem to change as much through the years.

In China, the SSIS (Suzhou-Singapore International School) buses were the Greyhound style tour bus. They had comfortable individual seating for two people per row, per side and seatbelts were available at every seat. It was like the kids were superstars and got chauffeured to school rather than taken to school. I do not know that I ever saw a school bus that resembled the ones in the US, even for the Chinese schools. So the kids became accustomed to their grand mode of transportation to and from school. The drivers were obviously Chinese (what would you expect, Brits named Cadbury?) and seemed to enjoy driving the buses like they were small sports cars that could change lanes in an instant. They drove extremely fast and like any other Chinese driver seemed to think they were the only ones on the road. We didn’t just hear this from the kids, we learned this whenever we went to school and took the bus (when big things happened at the school, like International Family Day, they would setup a bus schedule to pick up families at various points around the city to transport them to the school). I also saw the buses zoom down the highway at high rates of speed when school ended for the day like some kind of restart of a NASCAR race (perhaps they also had nicknames like Smoke). There was one other thing that was different on the bus and that is the presence of an adult female (referred to as the Aiyee) who would monitor the kids getting on and off the bus and converse with the driver. The Aiyee was in charge of keeping the kids under control (if that’s possible) and also would from time to time seemingly berate the bus driver for driving too fast (or whatever, they spoke the local dialect so the kids said that she was dogging the driver but the Chinese tended to speak very loudly so who really knows?).

After two years of becoming accustomed to these coach buses for transportation, the kids return to the US and have to pull back their expectations to ride on the standard US school bus. There was no way that they would be driven to and from school since when we returned back home, we had one car. We’ve noticed that the buses are rarely on schedule and the drivers seem to change fairly frequently. However, this week we had the reality check which reminded us that we we’re not in China anymore. On Jacob’s bus, they had a substitute driver. On the way home, the kids were pretty noisy (shocking, isn’t it?) and the bus driver was giving the kids the “evil eye” in the mirror as she tried to settle down the bus so she could concentrate on driving. Keep in mind; this is a Middle School bus. One of the kids (a disrespectful punk kid) decided to be the smart guy and said loudly to the bus driver “Suck my _____!” (I think you can guess which appendage filled in the blank here). This is when it all went downhill for everyone on the bus. The bus driver stopped the bus and got up from her seat, went back and yelled at the students with some colorful language. Jacob told the story at dinner that the bus driver used the “D” and “F” word as she yelled at the students. Then she turned the bus around and took the kids back to the old Woodmont High School where two police cars were waiting on the bus. The driver got off and spoke to one officer while the other officer got on the bus to talk to the students. Jacob texted Tammy to indicate that they would be home late because the bus turned around (and more information would follow). It was an interesting story to me, as I asked Jacob if he knew the boy that made the statement. He said he did not but I told him that if he ever made such a statement to an adult that he would be punished beyond anything he could imagine.

Now, I do not condone the driver’s actions but in some respect I understand it. The driver was shown total disrespect by a student and allowed her emotions to overrule the situation. However, the student is the problem and should be punished! The driver must also face some kind of discipline for the use of the foul language as well since she is the adult.

It turned out that there was a story on the local news about the situation and the following night, we received a note from the school and found out that the bus driver was fired. One child captured the tirade on his camera phone and once the school saw it, it was all over for the bus driver. Here’s the link to the video, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cx46ciWRFsk
Now I don’t fault the school for their action but I also would like to know what they are doing to find the student that sparked this problem. This child needs to learn that being disrespectful has consequences. Unfortunately, this child will probably escape punishment which will re-enforce the notion that he can continue this behavior. It’s very sad to know that a child has been brought up to be like this but it seems to be part of the world now. Many parents do not hold their kids accountable and defend their child regardless of the behavior. “My Johnny would never do that!” This goes to kids of all ages. The other week we were at the school for a concert and a young woman was sitting several rows behind us with her younger friends and decided that being quiet and respectful for the band was not something she could do. Tammy turned around and gave her the “Shhhh. Seriously, you are an adult.” Now, a well-mannered person would perhaps sulk and fume over this but they would shut up. Instead, she continued to make “smart” comments about being told to be quiet. Rather than realize that people were there to hear the band she had to show her high school friends that she was better than us and she just refused to accept that she was wrong. She left at the next intermission but she had to make the grand exit by acting like a spoiled three year old. I kept thinking that her parents probably think she hung the moon. It’s a shame when parents are not parents and this is the result. She’ll eventually get a clue when she finds out that things are not handed to her and then she’ll become disgruntled and blame everyone else for her failings rather than herself. Anyhow, I have strayed from the subject which was the difference in the school bus situation.

The one other thing that is different is the way that the kids talk to adults. It’s one thing to “smart off” to your parents but to an adult you don’t know? That’s completely different. The kids at SSIS were kids but seemed to have respect for adults. Back in the US, kids seem to have the sense of entitlement which allows them to say what they want (or so they think). This is a generalization since not all kids are like that but it seems that this number continues to grow (calling Occupy Wall Street!). We saw many spoiled children in China so this problem that we have encountered is going to be a problem there and bite them in the butt even worse due to the One Child Policy. My only advice to parents….be a parent!

Party Time

This is an old story but hasn’t been revealed so I will go ahead and post this as I try and backfill the days leading up to the departure from China. We left China with mixed emotions because we enjoyed being there but we also looked forward to being closer to family and becoming part of the “collective” back in the US. For the last several months, we ran the full pendulum of emotions regarding our departure ranging from wanting to just to leave today and get it over with to more of an introspective, subdued mood where we would like to continue to experience life in Suzhou. Either way, regardless of the personal feelings, we were heading back.

The Sunday of my last week, a party was held in my honor (or it could be interpreted as a party to celebrate the departure of the skinny Laiwai “free at last, free at last” but I choose to believe the first option) to celebrate my time in Suzhou. It was held with my Chinese colleagues and friends at work. Obviously, we couldn’t go to Chucky Cheese or Outback Steakhouse so we went to a Chinese restaurant (Bei Men) for the dinner. I had no idea what to expect for the party and although I knew that many people were invited I had no idea how many would actually show up for the meal (although free food usually gets people to show up, regardless of where you live or if they like you or not. Free food AND drinks! Just tell me where and when…the why isn’t so important). When I arrived at the restaurant and was taken to the room where the party was being held I was very surprised to see that 25 people were there (perhaps the food was too good to pass up, sure they have to put up with me but those dumplings are to die for). The room had three large tables with the obligatory lazy susan in the middle of each table. The tables were arranged in a triangle of which I had to sit at the table that was located at the top of the triangle but I also had to sit on top of the triangle, it’s the seat of honor. It was a little unnerving because I’m not much for being the center of attention (sounds strange from a guy that writes about himself in a blog doesn’t it. I’m tired of writing about me, now you write about me for awhile.) but I had little choice. The food was being ordered and I had a quick look at the menu and chose the donkey “skillet”, everything else was chosen by others. I didn’t know what it was but I would have to eat something so hold your nose and pass the plate (let’s get another beer over here kuai yi dian).

Until the food arrived, there was some small talk at the table and a discussion about drinking and driving in China. The penalty for drunk driving in China is 6 months in prison and the loss of your license for 5 years. Now this may seem a bit harsh but the Chinese legal system is pretty darned efficient as a deterrent. Imagine that, caught drinking and driving and you go to prison; do not pass Go, do not collect $200. I think that if this was an automatic sentence in the US, perhaps the number of drunk drivers would diminish. Sure, the prison population might increase when the law takes effect but over time as people realize that you can’t get Johnny Cockroach, attorney at law, to get you off, they would stop. Keep in mind, that’s the first offense…imagine what getting caught a second time gets you. Anyhow, it was interesting to hear about the laws and I also know the German laws for this crime are also pretty harsh (of course in the US, we don’t want to use the word “crime”, we should say that the legalities for the disease are more humane (cough, cough, bull___!). What’s the legal limit in China, 0.08 just like many States in the US. [Editors note: It should also be pointed out that corruption is punishable by death in China. Imagine that! Again, laws should be upheld and the punishment needs to deter future law breakers. Martha Stewart would have made her last prison cell redecorating theme and we’d be rid of her, “you should go out with flair”] There were a few toasts to me early on with just small drinks of the beer as we waited on the food; however things were going to change very soon (as I would find out).

When the food does arrive, they spin it around to be in front of me first (Wheel of Green Stuff, Brown Stuff and other stuff). They wait for me to take some and this still isn’t good enough. I look at it, ask what it is and then put some on my plate but they all watch me and wait. I have to start to eat what I have gotten before anyone else begins to eat. It was a little (a lot) awkward as they sat and watched me but I eventually got the message and grabbed something and stuffed it in my mouth. There were peanuts, sweet lotus root stuffed with rice, cold pumpkin chunks (they ate the whole thing, skin and all…think about all of the “food” we waste at Halloween), a green pile of stuff which was crunchy but I had no idea what it was and many other things, some good and others….not so much.

While the appetizers were being eaten, the people at my table would fill their glass (maybe 6-8 oz) with beer and then fill my glass and offer a “toast”. They never said anything but expected me to drink the full glass with them. O-K-A-Y! This is going to get interesting. They would clap and laugh when I would down my beer and I would grumble something, which made them laugh even more. [In the interest of full disclosure, before I went to the party, Tammy and I went to the Blue Marlin to have a quick beer so I could prepare for the party. I had a .5 liter glass of Erdinger (German beer….excellent, now that is something I really miss) which at the time seemed to be a good idea. Now….not so much.] Even the women were getting into the act. Now they didn’t want the cold beer, they wanted warm beer. I am not sure why but for some reason, they seemed to prefer that. They started doing the drinking with me. First Vicky, then Amy, then Coris (and her 44 kg weight). In very short order, they were determining if I could hang with the big pandas. I was starting to worry as I would need something in my stomach to keep my head about me…seconds from disaster. Then the main courses started to arrive….whew! Disaster averted.

They pretty much left me in peace while I was eating but shortly thereafter, here they come. Individually or in small groups they came around to toast me and drink with me. Everyone had to have a drink with me, didn’t matter who it was or anything, they had to share a drink with me. To make it worse, some weren’t satisfied with just one glass of beer. As soon as that was done, it was refill it and drink again! Aiya! I had thought that this might happen but I really wasn’t prepared as they continued to drink with me. It wasn’t so much the beer, it was the carbonation. After 6 straight glasses of beer being downed in less than 10 seconds, my stomach was about to explode without some serious belching to get rid of the gas buildup. It was about this time that I brought out my camera for photos to see if I could slow the onslaught. The girls took the camera and started to look through the pictures that were still on the camera that included my wife’s “backpacking” adventures in Cambodia (and I am sure that some of those photos made an impression) and then some of Tammy riding one of the brooms in the basement of the apartment complex, “Why is your wife riding a broom?” That one I am sure they didn't get. How do you explain some of the photos….I just didn’t. I just said, “my wife is mentally handicapped, after all she married me.” [Tammy and the boys got a kick out of this story when they looked through the photos and realized the some of the photos probably did leave an impression as they noted the many photos of my wife and her Canadian companions seemed to always include some kind of beverage] Then, the photos started being taken with the groups and me. I went around to each table and took photos with individuals and groups to have more pictures to remember the people that I had come to view as my Chinese family.

The food was pretty darned good but they don’t really eat much meat, more veggies than anything else. It was odd but it meant more donkey for me so I wasn’t complaining. It wasn’t long before they started to bring out the watermelon and fruit plates; which is the typical ending for a meal. When that comes out, it is a signal that your time is up….now get out! We talked a little more and then it was time to wrap up the party and head home. There were some tears (of joy?) shed as it became reality that I was actually leaving. Some had known for months about my upcoming departure but did not believe that it would truly happen. Lina, the only remaining person we had from the initial group of 4 people that were hired to work in the plant. Vicky and Dragon; graduates of a local textile school that were part of the second wave of people hired. Amy, she was in the third group of operators that we hired, she was one of the oldest workers at 32 but she was also one of the best workers we had. Coris, one of our CIT Engineers that I had worked closely with as she worked to achieve her Green Belt. Tony, a Design Engineer that I had been training. Tony seemed to understand the “Western way” and was very quick to take on a task by himself. He wasn’t as hesitant to step out and do a job. His English was excellent and he was a teacher for me about different cultural differences between the US and China. [He previously worked for a Tawainese company before and was surprised to see the “lazy Americans” working with the people to get things done. We got our hands dirty and he didn’t see this at his previous company and had not expected to see it from a Western company. In the Taiwanese company, hierarchy was everything. The office staff ate in a separate lunch room and didn’t associate with the workers except to give them demands. So the American way of working was a surprise and made him believe he had chosen the right company.] Tom, Jackie, Hanbo and John; the four Supervisors that took a lot of grief from me since I had to express myself to them and they would translate for me to the workers. I know they didn’t always translate it exactly how I said it but they said what needed to be said…I think (if nothing else the workers knew how I felt by my reactions to certain situations). Jerry and Leo, the plant engineers that helped me communicate with vendors and contractors. They had a big job and put up with my rants about how things needed to be done. So many others Eden, Katrina, Sky, Ho, Ken, Xia Li, Archer, Gao, Laverne and the list goes on.

It was a good chance to spend a little more time with my co-workers away from the office and have the chance to let them know how I felt about them before I left and visa-versa. It was a huge challenge and risk to take this assignment but I made some good friends that I will remain in contact with for years to come.

US Marine Band

So we’ve been back and the blogging has stopped since the return. It’s not that I don’t have anything to write, it’s just tough to close out the posts. I have several in the works and just can’t seem to close them out. Some of the posts are old and actually from China so I have a hard time going back in time to get those done but it’s time to stop polishing the apple and put it out there. I’ll get better but it’s going to take a little time to get things rolling again.

Friday night we had the opportunity to go and see The President’s Own United States Marine Band. I have to admit that I have been to a performance of the band in my youth (geek!!!!). When we lived in Eastern PA we went and saw the band perform. My father, a former Marine, heard of the band coming and so we sent away for tickets to the concert. It was a simple exercise, the tickets were free, all you had to do was send in the form and they would mail you the tickets. Originally, we had planned to go as a family but Warren had to be at the football game as part of the marching band. Jacob escaped by going to his friend’s house. So, we were picked up by my parents and headed to Furman University to see the band.

When we arrived, it became apparent very quickly that there must have been a ticket giveaway at the local funeral home (don’t let your loved one pass away without taking advantage of this offer) or AARP meeting because the amount of old people was incredible. Perhaps the “free” cost for the tickets was a good excuse to escape the nursing home? I would say the average age of the audience was probably 60 and I’m pretty sure I say a dark robed figure carrying a large scythe lurking by a tree nearby watching the crowd. It was very odd as we looked around and knew that Tammy and I would be called the “children” by the group. The smell of Ben Gay and other various ointments was thick in the air as we waited outside to be let into the auditorium. I thought Florida was where old people went to die…..I now think its Furman University. They just kept on shuffling around like some kind of odd scary movie, “Zombie Grandparents take over (very slowly)”. I know I should not make fun of the elderly since there will be a day when I hit that age but since I have not yet…they are fair game (otherwise it would be ageism wouldn’t it?). To top it off (pun intended) here come this old gentleman that is bald, however he refuses to concede this point. How do I know? Well, it’s because he had the worst comb-over I’ve ever seen. He had maybe 30-40 hairs that came from the remaining hair he had near his neck and he had them swirly combed around the left side of his head to do the final swoosh at the front of his head. It was like a swirly top comb-over. This group of 30-40 hairs probably was 20” long since it had to reach from the back and then go around the head to the front. It looked ridiculous because he had such little hair everywhere else, the remaining hair he had was about the thickness of an eyebrow so it wasn’t like he didn’t know he was bald (or maybe he needs to change his medication. His doctor needs to be brought up before the medical board and explain what combination of medications provides this hallucinogenic effect.) It didn’t get better for us as the bald man sat directly in front of us in the auditorium and the guy sitting in the row behind us made the comment “look at that bad comb-over”, which made us snicker even more. I can understand the desire to try and keep the belief that you have hair but at some point, reality has to take over. Cut it and be done with it.

The doors open and the crowd moves forward as fast as their walkers would allow. Odd to have so many old people (who are from the generations where respect is engrained) and watch them slowly cut you off to get in front of you as you enter the building. I found the bathroom when we got in so I separated from Tammy and my parents and then had to walk into the auditorium to find them. I had to go for the obvious, look for Tammy’s brown hair in the sea of gray. I was able to find them along the far left wall. So we sat for about 45 minutes waiting for the concert to start watching and listening to the musicians warm up. At 7:15 ticket holders were to be seated and they would open the doors to anyone else left outside that could take up the remaining seats in the auditorium (very slowly). Right around 7:25 they turned the lights down and out came the band to start the performance.

They started with the National Anthem and then went through the performance. Some of the music I recognized from various movies, movies like The Dirty Dozen and of course…Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. When they started to play the tune from Pee Wee’s movie, they had a guy on the xylophone that was excellent. He went to town on the instrument and it was probably the best performance on the xylophone I’ve ever seen (not like I’ve seen that many so it’s not an “expert” opinion but it is a true statement). I still don’t know who the composer is but I don’t think he had Pee Wee Herman in mind when he wrote the piece. Either way, that’s how I’ll remember the piece. They played some other music before the intermission that, for me, was not really good. It didn’t seem to end and it didn’t flow very well. I think that perhaps I am more accustomed to the John Phillips Sousa music with the crashing symbols and quick pace. The Mexican composer music they played, I couldn’t follow and just didn’t like. It reminded me of the Simpsons episode where Homer and Marge are listening to Lisa’s band perform and the ever impatient Homer (who has tickets to see Tuck-A-Saurus) asks Marge “How much longer was Schubert planning on making this piece of junk?”. Of course, I turned to Tammy and asked her the same question. After the 15 minute intermission, they performed some of the hits during WWII with one of the Marines singing the hits tunes like the Andrews Sisters “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B”. Then they went on to another composer that wrote a piece about a walk along the Thames River in England. After listening to that, I wouldn’t want to take that stroll along the river. Finally it was on to another Sousa piece and then homage to all of the branches of the military where they played the anthem for each of the military branches one-by-one. They received a standing ovation and played one extra piece “God Bless America”. I am sure the “Occupy Whine Street” groups would be very offended by the show of patriotism (you know the belief that your country is the land of opportunity rather than the land of the oppressed) but it was appreciated by the crowd in the auditorium.

The President’s Own US Marine Band doesn’t ask for money and aren't hawking CD’s and other memorabilia before, during or after the performance. They are just a group of talented musicians that serve their country in the best way that they can. They hold performances all over the country and are well worth seeing if you get the opportunity. Just don’t be surprised if you go and you see a lot of the senior citizens.

Still Posting

I know there were those that felt that once we returned to the US that it would be the end for the blog. After all, how can you be “Dudleys Abroad” when you are in the US? I’ll tell you, we are still abroad. According to the dictionary,
a•broad (-brôd) adv. & adj.
1. Out of one's own country.
2. In a foreign country or countries.
3. Away from one's home.
4. In circulation; at large.
5. Covering a large area; widely
6. Not on target; in error.

Of course this doesn’t cover all of the definitions since we all know that broad can also mean a woman (as in, “She is one tough broad”), but I digress. Since we are “in circulation”, we’ll continue to be abroad until such time that we are no longer “in circulation” (which means that we have been cancelled like a stamp, taking the celestial dirt nap, going six feet under…you get the picture).

We have been back in country for almost 2 months now and things have been very hectic. Some things that seem simple in my mind aren’t so simple. Like what? How about buying a cellphone?
Tammy got to upgrade from her poor old jail broken iPhone 3 to the new and improved iPhone 4. This wasn’t much of a decision for her, we went to the AT&T store and she patiently watched me get bamboozled by all of the options while she waited for her turn to pounce on her phone. She has been counting down the days since her iPhone was having issues and could hardly wait to get back to the US and get that upgrade (oh, those wacky Apple people, always jumping on to the new stuff). It wasn’t even a question mark. Me, I have always just had the basic phones all of the time (it’s a phone right?). I may look like a techno-geek (“I want to roll with the gangstas but they all know that I’m white and nerdy”…Weird Al Yankovic) but I’ve never had anything but the basic phone. So, I got schooled in this phone, then this phone and then finally the “smart” phones (all I could think was “is a guy with a bro’stach invited to this party”). The young lady at the store was very nice and patient (as my wife laughed at me) while my head was spinning (I just want a phone…what’s a data plan anyhow?). Well, I ended up with a Blackberry (after all next year is 2012, the end of the world better live it up now). I was a lot leery of this new-fangled, fancy phone but after setting up my e-mail to be retrieved on my phone, it was the right choice. I can now text LMAO in less than 3 minutes with my Blackberry Torch! (Lookout world!) Having the e-mail has saved a lot of headaches and allowed for quick back-n-forth with documents and information, especially in discussions with our realtor & lending agent. I still don’t think I’ve scratched the surface of what it can do but I am on my way to being as tech-savvy as Al Gore (I’ll just have to limit the photo tweets of me in my skivvies).
How is this different than China? Well in China, you purchase a phone and a SIM Card and then pay ahead for minutes. I have noted in a very early blog that the Chinese are very particular about the phone numbers they get and will pay more for a “lucky number”. What is a lucky number….8. Remember, the Beijing Olympics started on August 8, 2008 (8/8/08), not a coincidence. An unlucky number is 4, why? Because it sounds like “si” which means death so many of the Chinese buildings are missing the floors that end with the number 4 (and also 13 because it’s unlucky in the US so they don’t want to take any chances). Once you buy the phone and get the number activated, you pay for the minutes you will use. When you run low, you get a text indicating you have less than ___ RMB remaining on your phone. You go to the store and add more money to the phone and that’s it. There’s no extra plans, no standard costs per month regardless if you make one call or 50 calls. It’s pay for use, but there are some hidden costs. Every time you receive a text, you pay. Guess who you get texts from all of the time….how about the cell phone company. So, basically it’s like a Go phone but you don’t just have the basic models like those phones. People pay for the latest and greatest gadgets and I don’t think I had ever seen so many people so focused on their phones but it is how they communicate. They can’t afford the laptops and such so the phone is the way they use QQ, surf the web, etc.

Let’s see, what else has happened since we got back. Oh yeah, the house. We were in our own version of House Hunters (House Hunters – Redneckville, not quite as popular as House Hunters International but it’s pretty similar but with flannel, coveralls and catfish). Yes, we had to find a place to live. We were currently living with my parents (we put the BOOM in boomrang kids) and as much as they “begged” us to stay (yeah right), we had to find our own place and get ourselves settled back into life in the US. We were lucky that my folks have a large enough house to accommodate us and that I have other siblings that could put us up so it could’ve been worse living in a motel all of that time. We started on July 6th and some 65+ houses later, we finally found a house that we could live with. We’ve been watching these house hunter shows on TLC and stuff and we see everyone goes through the same issues. Everyone wants the perfect house with everything but in the end, it comes down to what can you live without? I wanted a basement for my “man cave” but every house with a basement was in a bad location (either in the boonies or it would’ve doubled as the our safe room while waiting on the cops when the security system was tripped). I also wanted a yard, something where we could have some place for a garden and space between us and our neighbors. Again, a lot of homes with yards but the house was the problem. There was always something that sent us running for the door when we found a yard. [Side note: In the write up for one house, they actually wrote in that the owners shot a deer last year from their porch…now doesn’t that paint a pretty picture?]. We wanted a bonus room and that put a lot of homes out that we looked at. Some had the bonus room but everything else in the house suffered. This is a post in-and-of-itself with all of the different homes we have seen and the condition of some of the houses. It was an eye-opening experience to say the least (and maybe it’s better that I leave it there). It also provided us with a window into what buyers would look for when they walked into our house in GA. Although we did a ton of work on the house, replacing the carpeting throughout, replacing the vinyl flooring and painting…there are still other things that people look at when they walk through a home for the first time. Although the primary reason for the lack of a sale on the house is due to our price, it still doesn’t hurt to know what else people look for when purchasing a home. Our home was in good condition compared to what we saw around (like 3 dog night home where the basement had the enticing aroma of dog pee) but sometimes that isn’t good enough. People are driven by other things besides just the appearance of the home. It’s a lesson that might’ve helped us when putting the house on the market but we can’t change what has been done. Anyhow, we did okay considering we looked for about 1 month and saw over 65 homes. Perhaps you are wondering, “What put this house over the top?” Basically, it came down to schools. We found an IB school (same type as the school the kids went to in Suzhou) and that narrowed the scope to one school district and from that point, finding a house was easy (relatively).

Car. That’s right, we sold both of our vehicles when we left and now we have to replace them. Nothing better than adding back a car payment….YES!!!! Perhaps we would’ve been better served by keeping one vehicle but we didn’t so now we headed back out to find a car. Once again, the most hated professions….Politician (especially now, don’t forget that many are lawyers), Lawyer and Insurance Agent but we can’t forget those loveable car sales people. We experienced the standard bait-and-switch from the professionals at the Kia dealers (one word….sleazy). By the way, what happened to the affordable Kia’s? When we left, Kia was a car that was typically cheaper than other cars for the same size and similar model. Not so anymore, they’ve joined in with everyone else as far as price. We really didn’t like the people there (understatement) so we moved on the Hyundai and found two “good guys” that actually helped us out in the purchase of a car. The salesperson was knowledgeable and showed us the car from front to rear and explained everything in detail. Then came the test drive and pricing. Interesting enough, the manager is from Eagles Landing which is just down the road from Stockbridge. He was experiencing the same issues we were in our house hunt and he wanted to “take care of his people”. We got a good deal and were able to leave feeling good about the car. It has done well in the first weeks of ownership and we hope to drive it into the ground like our other cars.

These have been the big things we have done since our return. The kids have spent a ton of time with their grandparents making up for lost time while we were in China. I think they have now learned that Jacob and Warren can eat (and eat…and eat!). We’ve been busy and are ready for things to settle down a little. Once things settle down, we’ll get back to keeping the blog updated with fresh photos and stories of our departure from China and arrival back in the US.

Back in the States

I'll keep this brief (and this time, I mean it). We arrived back in the US (mainland, after a brief stay in Hawaii....story coming later) on Tuesday of last week. Since the return we have been very busy with trying to get settled since we nnot only relocated from China but also have to relocate within the US from GA to SC. It may not sound like a big deal but it has been a challenge.

Step 1: Get a phone. We accomplished that by getting phones from AT&T and I now have moved up into the tech-savvy age and have a Blackberry. I don't know what that really means but I can get my e-mail on my phone and browse the web. This has become a real handy feature since coming back to interact with our agent and others in real time. I know you are thinking this is a no brainer but you can't do anything without being able to reach out and touch someone (or visa-versa).

Step 2: Find a house or at least start the search. We found an agent online and have been working with her since we arrived. She was the only agent to really followup with me when I was in China and she seemed to actually want to work for her money. The other agents I contacted paid little attention (like they were swamped with business) or wanted to look outside the guidelines I established as far as costs and size, etc. With places like Zillow.com and Homes.com, the real estate business seems a little easier for us to find information on our own but we still need someone to setup the appointments and work for us. We could contact all of these other agents and agencies but that's a lot of work to do.

Step 3: Find a car. We sold the cars before leaving the US so we had to get some wheels of our own. We had a rental but that wasn't a good, long term option. We went through the typical dealership and got the bait-n-switch stuff but we walked away and found a good dealership and sales person that didn't leave us feeling like we needed to take a shower after leaving. We got a car at a price higher than what we wanted to pay but hopefully it works out for us. It just steals money from our budget for a home.

Unfortunately, finding a house in an alleged "buyers market" isn't so easy. We've looked at over two dozen homes and found that we had issues with almost every one of them. Some of the older homes should be on a TLC remodeling show to demonstrate how to bring a home back to it's original condition. The first house we looked at was of this variety. It had been empty for over a year but it appears the owners left in the middle of the night. There was stuff everywhere (seriously, blankets and personal effects on the walls, and all over) and there was even still food in the kitchen (what had not been rotten or eaten by the rats). It was a disaster that was $50K from being even remotely ready to occupy. Perhaps our expectations were higher but we have had a hard time finding anything that we think would work out for us. We even increased our price range to look at the next tier of homes and found basically nothing. The one house we found seems to be in the bad area of town and is overpriced and probably not a place to have a family due to the crime rates in the immediate area. It didn't appear that bad coming in from one side of the house but the exiting side...that was different.

House hunting is a real pain in the butt and it will continue until we can find something. Keep us in your prayers as we look to find something. We've got a lot of things to post regarding our last days in China, Hawaii, US Airways, etc. but that will come with time. First, we'll get re-acclimated to the US and then we finish off the book on China.

NEWSFLASH!!!

Today we’ll be revisiting recent blogs to provide you with an update on where things stand (this is a Muppet News Flash)

First, I’ll bet you are all wondering what is happening with my insurance situation. Well pilgrim, I’m glad you asked. It turns out that they cancelled my policy (now isn’t that a kick in the pants). Not only have they cancelled the policy, they did so without even telling me until AFTER the official cancellation date had passed. Isn’t that just swell!?!? The reason, you want their story or the truth (you can’t handle the truth!)? Their reason is that the risk for an unoccupied dwelling is too high and therefore, they have to cancel the policy. Now, the truth is that they cancelled the policy because I didn’t lay down and accept their adjuster’s recommendation. According to the timeline (and I have put together this timeline), the policy was cancelled just about the same time that their adjuster came out to look at the damage to the roof. My guess, he saw the “For Sale” sign in the yard and made his decision about the damage and also communicated with State Farm that the house was empty. Of course, we appealed this and we actually won that one after we sent in a complaint to the GA Insurance Commissioner’s office and contacted the regional director for State Farm. To define win, they reinstated the policy for another two months to allow us time to find a new insurance carrier. They did not back off of the fact that they were no longer going to insure my home. I was going to dump them anyhow (I am breaking up with you) so it’s not a big deal but it’s just another thing that I have to deal with that really should not have happened. Insurance companies are in business to make money so that’s the way the ball bounces. I guess they forget that the money comes from people who have insurance that pay them for the insurance (i.e. me). Somehow it makes sense to them to cancel the policy so I’ll find a new carrier and see where it goes from there.

How about the tattoo thing, how’s that working out? Well, it has been interesting to see the reactions of my Chinese colleagues. Most have really liked it but the funniest part is that two of my colleagues have gotten their own tattoos. Ken got his despite his wife’s disapproval when he asked her about getting one after seeing mine (he said he had always wanted one). He actually went out and got it done. He got one of the small tribal type black tattoos on his upper arm. You wouldn’t know it was there if he didn’t point it out because it is hidden by his shirt sleeve. I think he was inspired to do this when he saw mine and figured that I wasn’t a bad man so he wouldn’t be a bad man either. His wife…..well that’s his problem to deal with because she wasn’t happy anyhow (one small step for man, one giant leap for your wife to remind you of every other day when she does something you hate. When you least expect it, I make you pay.). Another female colleague got a star on her right shoulder blade area. It looked really good; she actually showed it to me first before anyone else could see it. In both cases, they surprised me more with how they treat the tattoo than the fact that they actually got a tattoo. They are told not to wash the area and leave it alone for a week before they can wash it again. This is totally different than what I had to do after I got the tattoo. I washed it with soap and let it air dry, then I applied the antibacterial ointment on the tattoo. After it had a few moments to dry, I wrapped the tattoo in plastic wrap (use Glad Cling Wrap to keep your chicken arm fresh) to keep it from sticking to clothing while drying & healing. At night, I would come home, wash the tattoo and let it air dry and then wrap it again before bedtime. I had to do this for a week to keep the area from getting infected. They seem to just let it heal without any treatment, something I would never have let happen. When Ken showed me his tattoo on Thursday, it was looking pretty rough. It definitely wasn’t healing the way I thought it should but what do I know (my experience is two tattoos, the Chinese built the Great Wall so they must understand the tattoo). I told him to put some medicine on it to prevent infection and it would be fine (I hope). It’s strange, people will wear masks over here to keep from getting sick and they freak out if they get a small cut but give them a tattoo and they do nothing. They don’t seem to understand that a tattoo is a series of very small puncture wounds. Very strange but somehow it makes sense for China.

Warren still needs to write about his trip to Chengdu. He went on a trip with classmates to work in one of the Panda Sanctuaries in Chengdu. This is the place where the pandas that are on “loan” from China come from (like the ones at the Atlanta Zoo). He got to work with the panda caretakers and played Mike Rowe (Dirty Jobs) for a few days as he cleaned panda poo and helped to feed the animals.

How about the eyeglasses? Surprise! Surprise! The glasses are perfect, no issues, no problems. I know; I am as surprised as anyone. I figured I would put them on and walk into a light post or something but I can see just fine. Warren’s are the same way. Now it gets me to wondering, why does the Optometrist do all of those extra things if the machine will provide you with a prescription? For anyone that has had an eye exam, you know the routine. You look into machine (just like the one they had here) and it tells you your vision (Man! You are blind!). However, back home that’s just the beginning of the experience. Then it is sit in the chair for 15-20 minutes and wait for the eye doctor to come in and review your history and the new vision. He then does the air-puff thing on your eyes which I think is a test for glaucoma or something like that (everyone loves this test, keep your eyes open and have them hit your eyeball with a quick puff of air making you head jerk back….). Then he’ll put that goofy, massive borg-looking machine in front of you and start the click-click-click as he allegedly dials in your prescription. Then its start the selection process as you read the eye chart. “Which is better 1 or 2…..1……2…..2…..1?” You say “2”. “A…..B…..A…..B……or about the same?” “The same” Click-click-click. Now which one “1….2…..1…..2…..1…..2?” All the while you are sweating it out as you realize that any mistake will screw up your eyes worse. You start to wonder if it really matters and find your mind drifting away to the dulcet tones of “1…..2…..1…..2” (and ah-one and ah-two and ah……). Then you are snapped back to reality as his voice seems to change and he’s becoming annoyed that you can’t make a decision. “C’mon dummy, it’s either 1 or 2, do I have to draw you a roadmap?” (even if you did I couldn’t see it) Then it’s almost over or so you think. He makes some clicks and says “can you see the chart?” (sorry, I wasn’t paying attention is that an “W”), this is your new prescription. (Can I see “A” again?) Here was your old one, and here is your new one. There’s virtually no change (great, and how much did it cost me for that piece of news?). Then it’s time for the dreaded, “We want to dilate your pupils, is that okay?” (HECK NO!) Whatever. So they put drops in your eyes and make you wait in the waiting room and expect you to read a magazine or something but you can’t focus on anything because did I happen to mention that my pupils are dialating. (What!?!?!? Ellen is dating Oprah or does that say Elton John is signing opera? Oh crap! I picked up People magazine! Loooser!) After 10-15 minutes it’s back into the room to wait for the doctor again. This time he picks up the magnifying glass that he used as a kid to burn ants and decides he will focus his “laser” beam on the back of your eyeball (insert evil laugh here). He gets uncomfortably close as he stares into the back of your eyeball like a witch doctor studying the bones he just rolled out on the table. (this year’s American Idol winner will come from the US. Tell me more oh powerful one. The world will end of March 21, 2011. Swing-and-a-miss.) After a few minutes he’ll tell you everything looks good and then it’s out to pay for the visit and select your glasses. All the while you can’t see crap. Am I writing a check or am I just signing a Post-It note? You have to rely on someone to help pick out your frames and tell you if they look good so you don’t pick out ladies glasses. Remember, my eyes are dialated, how can I pick out frames? Then they send you out into the bright sunlight to watch you hunch over in pain and the light burns a hole through your head (it burns, it burns). You look like a reject from The Lost Boys as you stagger to find your car and wait for the light to go out. Hopefully you have some old people sunglasses (you know the ones I am talking about) to allow you to drive home.

But I digress from the point (don’t I always). Does all of this mean that your prescription is more accurate? Not really, last time at the eye doctors before I left, the prescription I had was bad and it made me sick to put on the glasses. The doctors could find nothing wrong and so I finally had to go to another eye doctor who fixed the prescription. Here, one “doctor”, one prescription and everything went fine without all of the other extra add-ons (how about the extra-thin lenses….that’s an additional $80. You should get the scratch-resistant coating…another $40. How about the lens cleaning kit? And so on it goes…). It may turn out that I was lucky but somehow with all of the Chinese that wear glasses that they know what they are doing here. So we’ve been to the dentist (and by we, I mean Tammy and the boys), the doctor and the optometrist here without any major issues. Lucky for us, Suzhou is pretty comfortable for Westerners so it’s probably a lot worse in many other places.

So, what’s left? The one update that maybe you already know. We are heading back to the US in July (should be home on July 4th…..sounds about right doesn’t it?). We’ll be leaving Georgia and heading to South Carolina so we’ll be looking for new digs and finding out what we have missed the past two years. What about the blog? You’ll have to wait and see.

Seeing Clearly

Today Warren and I had another new experience in China; we went to get our eyes checked. It has been 2 years since our last eye examination but at some point in time you have to make a decision to be sure you can still see what is happening around you (who moved that tree?). Unfortunately the fact that there is an English speaking clinic for medical and dental issues here kind of spoils you. As far as an eye doctor, we tried to find someone but we were unable to locate an English speaking eye doctor here in Suzhou. So we had to test the waters with a Chinese speaking “doctor” (or someone who played a doctor on TV). We didn’t know exactly where to go but we knew of a place in the Neighborhood Center that sold glasses. This is the same center where we get out train tickets (and by “we” I mean Tammy) so how bad can it be? Train tickets….eyeglasses, almost the same right? We walked by the place a couple of weekends back and I wasn’t really sure about it but Warren needed new glasses so it was time (feel the power of the dark side) to test the waters.

The eye shop was kind of similar to a Lens Crafters or places like that. Small counters with different types of glasses and lenses, there was also a small section (about the size of a broom closet) where they appeared to do the eye exams and another small section where they prepared the lenses for the frames. It was kind of a typical place but to a much smaller scale. There was no back hallway leading to the examination rooms or the dentist-type chairs to sit in with all of the fancy, high-tech looking equipment all around. It was a simple shop where they sold eyeglasses and where we assumed they performed eye exams. There were two ladies working along with an older gentleman that you first assumed to be the optometrist (and you know what happens when you assume) but he wasn’t (so much for the power of perception). We went in and looked around for a moment and once she looked to be “free” I walked over and indicated Warren (that’s right, put your first born in the line of fire….I’m not gonna try it, let’s get Mikey) needed an eye exam and the lady took him over to the small examination area of the store. It was like a small alcove in the store that was separated by a short 2 ft high wall. She sat him down and had him look into the magic “this is your eye prescription” machine (you know the one, it shows the house and the field) to figure out what his new prescription would be. She told him to put his face into the mold while she setup the machine (did I mention she was speaking Chinese). The funny thing was that because of his height, he was trying to move his chair down at the same time she was moving the machine downward. He is trying to lean into the machine without having to stoop over like the hunchback of Notre Dame and she keeps dropping the height on him. Eventually, he put his head in there and got the readout. Then she took these “Harry Potter meets Harry Carry special black and round slotted frames and put some lens options in the slots and had him put on these “glasses” to check his prescription. It was pretty comical as he had these Borg looking (resistance is futile) glasses on. She then had him sit in another chair to look at a mirror located about 2 meters in front of him and read the chart that was over his head. Let me say it again, he sat in a chair underneath an eye chart and looked in the mirror to try and read the chart. It contained E in different directions (up, down, left and right). She stood next to him and took her ruler and pointed to an “E” and told him to tell her if he saw it. Warren was all confused as she pointed and asked him questions in Chinese. I figured it out as I watched from the peanut gallery and told him to give her the direction with his hand. Then she would say “Hao bu Hao” and move on to the next line. He was starting to get it when she asked even more questions (all in Chinese of course). It was pretty comical, Now Mr. Potter please tell the class about the potion that she has taken that is forcing her to speak in a language that only she can understand. I’m trying not to laugh loudly but I am chuckling as she asks him questions and then turns to the tray of lens inserts and adds them and continues to ask questions. Warren would look at her, with those huge, bug-eye frames and try and figure out what she said but he was having limited luck. She then asked him “Shufu bu Shufu”. We had no idea what she was asking so she tilted her head to the left and right like some kind of insane bobble head doll and continued to say “shufu bu shufu”. Now I can’t help myself, I’m laughing louder watching this comedy unfold. Warren is sitting in the corner of this little closet wearing the Harry Potter birth control glasses (black frame with the red lens selections) staring at a mirror while trying to figure out what this lady is saying in Chinese about the stuff she Is pointing to just over his head.. We still both looked confused when she kicked it up a notch and came over to me and wrote out the character for “shufu” on a piece of paper. Ooooh, now I understand (not!!!). She must’ve thought a lot about me because I looked smart or something (man was she wrong; people think I’m white and nerdy). I had pulled out my Chinese-English dictionary and was trying to figure out how to spell “shufu” in Pinyin so I would know what the heck she was saying. Finally, it became clear…comfortable. She was asking if the glasses were comfortable, meaning was he feeling okay with the new prescription. Aha! Now we’re getting somewhere. He had no issues so we could move forward to the frame selection.

This wasn’t as bad, although the selections were a little weird since the Chinese pretty much have rectangular frames all the time. The round frames are not normally used here. As with any eyeglass place, they had some winners and losers for frames. He would try on a pair, she would mumble something and either take them back or laugh and take them back. Too big, too small, not right, whatever. It was like the normal routine at home just with a different flair. Of course, Warren and I were on our own here without a female presence to tell you what looks good (look mom, I dressed myself!). Warren had to say “This is when we need Mom.” as I would provide my typical supportive statements when he was trying out the different frames. You know what I am talking about “Hey, those look okay….if you want your girlfriend to dump your butt”, “Those ones are nice…for a woman”, ”Oooh, I like those….not!” Your standard, run-of-the-mill supportive parent type comments (look, I am not the one you should be looking to for advice on anything to do with fashion, I freely admit it). I am not sure why he didn’t find me helpful. Eventually he settled on the style and then she showed us a book and was pointing to different tables. I had an idea of what she was indicating because there was a cost number attached and told her that was okay. Warren looks at me and says “did you understand her?” I said no but she was indicating costs so she was talking about lens options and thought that his prescription would be okay with the standard lenses. You know, back home they give you the once over with the “how about the UV coating?”, “you want the thinner lenses”, “how about tinting”, and so on as they go “cha-ching”. Here I had no idea what the options were but I guessed that it was about the lens thickness more than anything else and of course, I was right (as far as anyone could tell). So she tallies up the final costs for the exam (if you want to call it that), the frames and the lenses….560 RMB, that’s $86. Find me a pair of frames in the US that costs less than $80. It’s crazy!

So after he was done, I stepped up and got my eyes checked as well (step aside and let me show you how a man does it!). My exam was limited as she indicated that my current prescription was good and there was no change needed. Then it was pick out the frames and lenses for me. I picked out some of the magnetic frames (that have the sunglass attachments) and thought those would be okay for me. The best part was that I got two different attachments, one that was a blue shaded option and the other she pulled out of the case for me to try. She held this little card out in front of me and had me look at it with and without the shades. The card changed and revealed a secret message as soon as you put on the shades (don’t forget to drink your ovaltine) like some kind of super spy trick. It was really bizarre because she said that those lenses were made for driving. Driving, really!?!? So the frames allow you not to see people as you focus entirely on driving? (pay no attention to the person on the bicycle since they are paying no attention to you) Perhaps they omit the other cars on the road? With the way they drive, I think everyone has a pair of these lenses (Wow! The whole road to myself, this is great!). Anyhow, I got those frames with the attachments, all for 800 RMB, $125. I couldn’t even get frames in the past for that much. Of course, the proof will be in the ricecakes. If we get the glasses and they don’t help, then it’s wasted money but if these work, we’re golden.

She originally told us tomorrow afternoon to pick up the glasses but then was telling us something different. Sometimes, knowing words is okay but it still tough to understand the full message. I understood company and go home but the rest was a mystery. Another Chinese was in the store and she talked back and forth with him when he tried to tell me that it would be Tuesday before the glasses would be ready. The lens makers (time to make the lenses) were off of work for the day. Ahhh, no problem. Tuesday is fine.

The best part was that when she took our glasses for the measurements to fit the new lenses, she wiped them with this cloth before she handed them back. It looked like an old, dirty dishrag that was dingy gray color. She wiped the glasses and Warren whispers to me “wipe them before you put them one” but I wasn’t listening. It was like a bum at the airport was washing your windshield with a grease rag, everything was blurred and nasty. I really don’t want to know where the rag has been but I suspect it was used to clean more than just glasses (time for the Fox5 Investigative Team to jump into action). I just said thanks and headed out the door and wiped off the glasses with my shirt. Meanwhile, she headed for the bathroom with "the cloth”……aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!

Top 10 List

On the grand scale of occupations we like the least; there is a definite Top 10 list. Each person may have a slightly different list but my Top 3 (3….3…..3….3) would look something like this;
1. Politician
2. Lawyer
3. Insurance Agent
It’s not that these jobs are easy or do not require some talent and ability. It’s just the fact that no matter what your feeling is about a person you know (and like) in these fields, there are just so many “less than honorable” people in these fields that it screws it up for the good ones.

Recently, I have run into an issue with my house that required the intervention of my Insurance Agent to try and resolve. I’ll not name the company to prevent any hard feelings or animosity (or perhaps the call from a person in job #2 telling me to cease and desist) so let’s just say the company is Bait Farm Insurance and they have a slogan that might be “Like a good fisherman, Bait Farm is there”. [The events are real; the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Any resemblance to the situation or company is purely coincidental, so if you try to link this to an actual company, it’s all on you, and aren’t you ashamed of yourself?].

Anyhow, I am notified of some damage to my home that could be related to the bad weather encountered early this year. So I have to notify my agent to find out what I can do to start the process of getting the damage inspected and ultimately fixed. No immediate response, then a follow-up from me. Now I get a response, you need to file a claim before we do anything. I ask, what do I need to do to get a claim started, do I need someone to look at the damage and provide an estimate for repairs, etc. No response. Again, follow-up and I get the answer to file a claim. Gee thanks for all the help. I should point out that I am not getting communication directly from my agent but someone in her office (STAFF!?!?! STAFF!?!? Damnit! Only those who remember The Kimmer on the radio will appreciate this comment). So I appeal to her directly and get the same answer, file a claim. I should point out that in this “hypothetical” situation I have indicated that I am not living in the US and that perhaps I will need a little more assistance because of my inability to be in the same time zone. Does it work? Of course it doesn’t.

So I go online to file the claim without any idea of what is needed for this process. Of course due to my current location, the Internet isn’t exactly reliable (add ISP to the list of companies you hate, along with Utility Service Person). After several attempts I am able to finally complete the full form and submit it. Hooray for me! Now my agent will take charge and get the ball rolling (then I wake up from my dreams). Nothing happens.

I contact my agent again, she will finally contact the adjuster to look at the house but he cannot for 6 weeks. 6 WEEKS!!!!! Seriously (add Adjuster to the Top 10 list of jobs and that job is rapidly moving up the charts and into the Top 5), 6 weeks. He is that busy, really?!? Great, I’ll sit for 6 weeks and do nothing. I still don’t have an estimate on the damage and a check of the entire area to see what else may not be obvious from the simple vantage point. My sister steps in and gives me the name of a company to go out and check the damage. [Editor’s note; if you can’t rely on your family, who can you rely on?]. I had a few issues with them but my sister (she is nothing if not persistent, and when she’s on your side it is good for you) handled the problem and got the contractor out to look at the house. This is about 2-3 weeks after the initial contacts were made regarding the damage and such. I know it seems like a long time but every e-mail means a 1 day delay so what would be a quick fix back home takes much longer because you are waiting on a response and then responding to the response and so on. The contractor gets me a damage assessment and a quote on the repair work to be done. Imagine that, someone actually did some work (Contractor moving down the list). Now I’ve got something and I send the information on to my insurance agent who has been working feverishly behind the scenes to get the adjuster out to the house (Warning, SARCASM! The agent has done nothing, I ask if the adjuster can come out sooner and the reply is “No, he is very busy. Leave me alone China boy [okay, I added in the last part but I can see it happening]”).

What happens after the agent gets the quote? The very next day the adjuster finds time in his super busy schedule to go out and look at the house. Really, this is true. The very next day, freaking amazing (just out of the Top 3 now, Adjuster is #4)! However (and this is where it gets even more bizarre) he cannot e-mail me his report, he has to send it via post office due to his “company policy”. Can you believe it???? There are times in life when you hear something that is so stupid and moronic that it renders you completely speechless (at least for a short time)…this was one of those times I think back to one of my favorite quotes, “Never argue with a stupid person, they bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.” I sit and stare blankly at the computer screen with my mouth wide open without being able to truly comprehend how any company could have this ridiculous of a policy. How can you combat that (you can’t fix stupid)? I am left to ask for assistance to get the report sooner, yet again. My agent, can we call her Wonder Woman (meaning she is in a constant state of wonder), tells me that she will scan & e-mail me the report when she gets it. Okay, I sit back and wait, and wait and wait. A week later I send her another e-mail that was a little more forceful asking why the report hasn’t come in yet and indicating me displeasure with the entire situation (again). She actually responds with a message that the e-mail was sent on the previous Friday, an obvious lie coming either from her staff or her and she sends it to me again through her staff.

Of course, the adjuster does a lame job of doing anything but being a mouthpiece for the insurance company and first indicates the damages were about $400 lower than the contractors price and second indicates there is some hail damage to vents but not to the roof. Yes, of course, hail damage is always limited to the metal structures on the roof….dumbass!!! He also indicates that there is no interior damage. I guess he is talking about the interior of his truck since he could not get into the house. Big dumbass!!! You can’t fix stupid. So I go back to the agent and indicate the issues with his report and she gives me the one line message reply…”You need to call the Claims number 1-800….”. It was so warm and friendly, I am almost certain that she is in the running for Agent of the Year. The skill in which she uses the English language to be so concise yet so understanding, it makes me tingly all over. Now I know I am in for it. When people say to call a 1-800 number, you know that it took less time to build the Great Wall than it will be to speak to a real person that can actually solve your problem (and the worst part is that person is probably working out of a call center somewhere is Asia). When I asked her if the claim could be re-opened and I could get a second inspection, I got the same “Call the 1-800 number” message back (with warmth & friendliness).

So here I stand before you now complaining about the Insurance business. They will take your money all day long but when you ask for it back, you get the “Of course we can help you, but first you’ll need to bring me the broomstick of the wicked witch of the West. (I’ll get you my pretty) When I contact the 1-800 people, they indicate all I have to do is fax in my contractor’s estimate and a written request for a second inspection. Sounds easy right? Well, when I follow up after 48 hours (which was also in my directions), they can’t find the fax. Did you sent in your contractor’s quote? Aiya!!! Here we go again. So this guy sends me an e-mail that I should reply to and tells me to check back the following day. So I send the same information via e-mail (why didn’t they give me the e-mail address first?) and also fax it again. I should fax it every hour on the hour and ensure that they don’t forget me. So tomorrow (tonight) I check in again and see what has developed.

I know you want to know how the story ends, well…it isn’t over just yet. I’ve appealed the initial adjuster’s report and from what I understand they have to perform a second inspection with my contractor present so perhaps this will all work out. Who knows, the only thing I know is that I will be finding a new insurance company when this is all over. What’s that you say, they are all the same? I don’t think so. My in-laws had the roof collapse on their shed in the backyard, filed a claim and got a check in the mail with no inspection, no hassle. This just reinforces the point I made at the beginning, there are some good people whose jobs are in my Top 3 but these people seem to be few and far between so the rose among the thorns is hard to find. What jobs are in your Top 10? Perhaps blogosphere nerd comes to mind?

Shanghai Ink

Okay people, today we come clean and will dish the dirt about ourselves. There has been a secret that we have kept to ourselves (okay some people know but work with me) that is to be revealed to everyone (Magic’s Greatest Secrets Finally Revealed). This may change your perception of who we are or it may not have any impact on you whatsoever, it’s up to you. In society we judge others, it’s just human nature and it is something that happens every day whether we like to admit it or not. So today, we open ourselves up to be judged (but be gentle).

It has been a long time in the making but as we are headed down what will be our final months living in China we have discussed what we can have to remind us of our time abroad (besides the persistent hacking cough, the tacky souvenirs and this strange desire to bump into people). For me, this scenario of living in a foreign country was not something I had ever considered in the past. It was a huge change for me; it was a risk and was something that was definitely outside of my comfort zone. Since that decision to accept this opportunity, I have continued to do things that are not what would be considered normal for me. Nothing that would be considered a criminal act (in Alabama) or outside my moral code but just not normal for life in the US. Hence this blog post (get to the point already). So we decided on something that again, is not ordinary for us. I don’t know that I have to expand more on that…as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.

So now you know, Warren and Jacob have tattoos. Just kidding, they don’t get theirs until next month (again, kidding). Tammy and I had discussed getting a tattoo many months ago and she dove right in because she needed to have it before we went to Thailand. Not really needed but if you don’t have it, you can’t show it off so wanted is probably a better term. You don’t want to be out in the sun right after getting a tattoo or else you can lose some of the color. So, we found a place in Shanghai to get the tattoo done, she found a good design and had it done right away (this was in October, plenty of time before the sun exposure in Thailand). Me, I was a little more cautious and held off for many months before finally committing to a design and getting the tattoo done. You want to be sure that we have the right look because it is on you and it’s not coming off with Clorox (unless it’s the Chinese “copy” Clorox). The first design that they sent to me wasn’t really me (and Tammy didn’t like it either). So I was delayed due to getting the right design and then finding the time to go. We’ve held off saying anything because it would be better to reveal it all at once rather than give updates (the shock factor is better this way).

I guess I should give some background to getting a tattoo, if you’ve watched Miami Ink, it’s a little different than what you see on TV (sorry to burst the bubble but reality tv isn’t reality, unless it’s Survivor, now that’s real….not.). The first time I went into the shop to start the work on a design, it was a little intense. Keep in mind that Tammy and the kids went with me to the shop (and the winner for Parents of the Year goes to…..). The shop is tucked away in a nice area of the city and as soon as you walked up the stairs you knew you weren’t in an ordinary shop. The buzzing sound of the tattoo guns going and they had music blaring. I believe the band was Gwar or something like that (an alternative metal band that makes Metallica look like the Carpenters). It was a little intimidating to say the least. The main artist for Shanghai Tattoo is a small (do I have to say that) Chinese woman with multiple piercings (nose, chin, ear shotgun holes things), a green mohawk hairdo and several tattoos herself (duh). She wears baggy camouflage pants and these metal studded boots that look like they came out of some odd sadomasochist designer shop (she actually gets them from Spain and just to clarify that remark I know because she was talking about them, it’s not because I have a pair). When you see her photos on the website http://www.shanghaitattoo.com/ you think that perhaps she may be a little crazy but she is actually a very likeable and friendly person that just happens to like to tattoo people and marches to her own drummer (again, we judge people every day and sometimes we are surprised when we look beyond the obvious). She has done tattoos for many Westerners and that is what makes a difference to me when selecting a tattoo shop. Obviously there is concern about a sanitary environment (for obvious reasons) and since she had done work with foreigners, she understood this need for clean that comes from the Western mind. There are two Chinese that also work at the shop, one apprentice and one other artist. Cheng Yong is the artists that did both my tattoo and Tammy’s tattoo. The “front man” for the shop is Dylan (an Irishman), he helps people prepare their tattoo and works through their ideas on what they want. He worked with their apprentice to draw out where I wanted the design and then talked with me about what I was looking for. It’s tough to describe accurately what you want so you say everything you can think of, show them a design you like and hope for the best. Oh, and I shouldn’t forget to state that they ask for a pretty hefty down payment for the design (they want to ensure that you don’t take their artwork to another studio). In this case, the first design was much more artsy-fartsy than I was expecting. For some, this would be a terrific tattoo but for me…not so much.

Now, again unlike Miami Ink, it was weeks before they sent me the first draft and I had to tell them I didn’t like it so it was another several weeks trying to work out a second design. The second design was much more “me” (what does that mean anyhow?) and it was time to commit to getting it done which turned out to be this past weekend. We spent time in the city before I got turned into a human pincushion (insert the buzzing sound of the tattoo ink gun here). My appointment was at 12:30 and they expected that it would take about 6 hours to get my ink (you notice how I have switched into the tattoo lingo here). 6 hours!!! Aiya!!! Not really the way you want to spend your day. But I had committed to it there was no way out. I was ticketed on the last train back to Suzhou while Tammy and the boys took an afternoon train home (no need to have the kids sit there and watch me cry).

In the tattoo world there is a design called a half sleeve (again demonstrating my vast tattoo knowledge) which covers your upper arm and shoulder. This isn’t exactly what I wanted but when he covered my arm with the print, it was going to be pretty darned close to what I would get. I tried to keep the size small so it would be covered with a standard short sleeved t-shirt but it seems that it wasn’t going to happen that way. “You’ll lose the detail” is what I was told. Well, okay but it is a bit big isn’t it? “No, it’s the size you need.” So he traces the outline of the design on paper (while I sit back on the couch and think of things I would rather be doing like talking to my insurance agent (more on that coming)) and when he is done he uses Speed Stick to cover my arm. Okay, maybe it wasn’t Speed Stick (byyyyy Mennen) but it sure looked like it. I was you basic wide, “deodorant” green stick that he rubbed on my arm and then placed the paper over it, being very careful to get things centered (this transfers the design, much like Silly Putty). Of course, Tammy is there to oversee the operation and provide her nod of approval (in between her giggles about how it was going to hurt).

With the design on my arm it was time for the chair. My tattoo artist was probably thinking to himself “Great, I have to tattoo a chicken wing.” I should the other foreigners in the shop getting tattoos. One was getting a dragon design that went from his shoulder to his knee, 11 sittings to get the design done (11!!!!). The other guy (Filipino) was getting a design on the right side of his stomach, ouch! I take my seat in the chair facing the guy starting session #1 of his dragon where she was doing the tattoo on his side and basically working between the belly button to the backbone, all nice and tender areas where needles are not supposed to be. I would watch his face as she worked and he would grimace (and not the loveable McDonald’s Grimace) and his legs and toes would jerk when she hit another patch of sensitive skin. Now that was pain! Just to add to the mystique here, the guy for whatever reason was wearing his boxer-briefs for the tattooing. I’m still not sure why but I have to say that I liked his purple Bjorn Borg undies (seriously, I think the name on the band was Bjorn Borg). The other guy was next to me and I could hear him with his grunts of pain so I knew it was going to be a long day. Based on the location of their tattoos and where mine was, I couldn’t even make a face because I was a wimp compared to what these guys were doing.

They actually go to great lengths to prepare everything like a dental office. The tools are on a stainless steel tray with the lovely blue paper underneath the tools and everything is wrapped in plastic that I am going to touch. They wear gloves when they work to protect themselves more than you. So once the design is on your arm, he puts the printout on the table for reference and begins to setup to do the outline. The buzzing starts and you see the needle move and it’s all over. He sticks you and you think, “Okay, that’s not so bad” but then you recognize that he is tracing over the outline and needs to continue. Buzzzz. “Okay, that’s getting worse”…buzzzz…”When is it going to be over?” Then he stops. He wipes your arm quickly, dips for more ink and it starts again. Buzzzz for between 4-8 seconds and then stop, wipe, dip and buzzzz. Sometimes he runs for longer periods as he works in a specific area and you think that the additional 2 seconds are too much, then it stops. Periodically he stops, pulls out a towel, wets it and wipes down your arm to take a look; that feels really good. You forget for a moment that he has only finished a small section and you’ve been in the chair for only 15 minutes of the 6 hours. For the outline, he uses a single, small needle to draw the outline and do all of the detail work. Tammy and the boys went to lunch and came back to see how it was going after about 90 minutes. The boys wanted to see if I was crying but they were disappointed. There were times when it was definitely intense but it wasn’t overwhelming pain (probably because after a short time your body is releasing endorphins and the pain is a little less intense than when it started and your body is going “What the heck are you doing? Run you fool!” Since this tattoo wrapped around my arm, it meant that the tricep area was getting stuck as well as the side and partial bicep. That’s when it really hurt, the bicep and then again when he was drawing the head section just above the armpit. Nice tender areas where needles aren’t supposed to go. These were the areas where he was drawing a little blood as he worked (nice image isn’t it?). The outline and detail work took almost 3 hours. Then it was all about the shading of the artwork. This is when it got worse. He pulls out a 4-5 needle tattoo gun and continues to work to get the shading done around the dragon. I should point out that he is still working with the black ink and so he is shading areas to make various shades of gray. Buzzzzrubbbb, buzzzzrubbbb as he works the needle all around the arm.

What am I doing while all this work is going on (besides the obvious trying to focus on something other than my arm)? I am watching the purple undies guy and then listening to people come into the shop to discuss what they want for a tat (again, tattoo jargon). There was a woman and her daughter that came in to get two piercings in her upper ear. This was done by a doctor that stopped in for 90 minutes to handle the piercings. Then a girl came in to get her nose pierced, she had a little issue and had to sit on the couch for 15 minutes to rest from the experience. Then he pocketed his cash for the day and left. Other than that, listening to the music and trying to get lost in my own thoughts (you don’t want to go there) I was just trying to pass the time and forget that a Chinese man was assaulting me.

Anyhow, back to the design selection, when I selected the design I asked for not so much detail work and background but that was obviously lost in the Chinese translation (or he said, “too bad for you chicken wing boy”) and he was working hard on getting this right. He would work for 30 minutes, ask me to stand, he would stand back and look and then it was back to the chair! Are you done yet? My appointment was at 12:30 and it took him until around 5:30 before he was finished with this part of the design and all he had left was the color. I should point out that my train left for Suzhou at 8:23 and I was probably 30 minutes from the train station if I hit the subway stops just right so I was starting to get a little worried as time was winding down. My original thought of leaving after 6 hours was fading fast. Once again, here comes the 4-5 barb needle gun (I don’t know if it was 4 or 5 since it was moving too fast for me to know for sure) buzzzzrubbbb (the official sound for the tattoo gun if you didn’t realize it by now). First the red ink, each time he stopped to wipe down my arm I would look at my watch and wonder if I would make the train, how could I ask for another train, what street grate is the most comfortable and where were the best garbage cans for a good dining experience. The other two guys were completed with their design work (the one guy for the day, he would be back the next day to continue) so it was just me in the shop. The color actually went by quite quickly by comparison, he added in two yellow colors, some green and then touched up with some white to finish off the design. When he was close to done a Chinese young couple came into the shop and he wanted a tattoo on his back that was XX (yep, XX). It was small and I thought kind of funny. It was located a little to the center of the shoulder blade. I have no idea why he wanted this but again, who was I to judge. He was probably wondering why this skinny Westerner was getting a dragon. It was tough to tell how the final product would look at times because in many areas of my arm when he hit me with this gun, I would bleed so the yellow color was diffused by the red and I was wondering what it would look like. My dragon has bloodshot eyes, what is he stoned? But as he continued, the blood faded and the color of the design came through. When he was finally finished he asked me to take a look in the mirror. I told him “feichang xihuan” (very much like it), he laughed (again, ruining my confidence in my Chinese skills). He took some photos for the shop and then covered my arm with a medical cream to prevent infection and wrapped my arm in plastic wrap (to prevent the design from sticking to my clothes). I headed out by about 7:20 and pulled out my directions for the Metro (subway) and put it in high gear to get to the train station. I made the mistake of trying to lean on the wall of the subway and recognized immediately that I should remember the tattoo (not so smart). I made it with about 20 minutes to spare so there wasn’t even time for a McDonald’s break, it was get on the train and get home. The soreness remained for several days as I had to treat the arm with ointment and cover it with plastic wrap but now I'm ready to unveil it to the world so go ahead and judge away.